


Scars

by HammerToFall



Series: Marauders Era [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 16:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12136446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HammerToFall/pseuds/HammerToFall
Summary: Remus knew all about scars. He was basically an expert on them. But it was rare he saw them on other people. Not ones like this, anyway. Long, deep slash marks made by Sirius’s mother’s cruel hand, which had obviously been left to heal without treatment... Suddenly, it made complete sense to Remus why Sirius was in his bed all the time. It wasn’t out of pity, for how pathetic Remus was around the full moon. It was because, of his three friends, Sirius was the one who truly understood pain.My take on Wolfstar. Some references to child abuse (trigger warning).





	1. Revelations

Remus’s world was turned upside down three separate times, in three separate incidents all over the course of one Saturday. And it all happened in the library, of all fucking places.

It started with Lily Evans. She had agreed to help Remus revise for Potions, on the condition that James Potter was not allowed anywhere near them when they did so. Remus had suggested they meet in the library, since James was still under a temporary ban from the place, after having built himself a rather impressive fort out of books last time he was in here. James would not have been interested in revising for potions, since in his opinion OWLs were still ‘aaaages away’, and he was a bit more of a last-minute-cram-and-hope-for-the-best sort of guy anyway. But he would have been greatly interested in anything that involved Lily. So in the interest of actually getting some work done, and sparing Lily from having to deal with an overexcited James fawning all over her, Remus thought this was for the best. Even if it did mean communicating largely in whispers.

Remus was quite good at most subjects, being quite hard-working and the only one of his small group of friends who actually paid attention in class. But there was a bit of an art to potion making – something that couldn’t quite be learned from books. Something almost intuitive, or instinctual. Something you either just had, or you didn’t. Lily had it. Remus didn’t.

It was going well enough, until they got onto the subject of healing potions. Remus had ironically missed two lessons in a row on this because he was in the hospital wing, recovering from the full moon, so he was a bit behind.

“Come on Remus” Lily whispered, encouragingly. “Don’t you remember when Slughorn told us about the stirring pattern? Figures of eight, like an hourglass. Because time heals…”

“Hah, that’s clever” Remus muttered, jotting that down.

“How did you miss that?” she asked. “He was going on about it for ages. He went off on that tangent about how time heals everything, except for unrequited love, and he went on about his school sweetheart and how he’ll never forget her…”

“Umm, I wasn’t there” Remus said, awkwardly, hoping she wouldn’t ask why. He was quite used to having to lie to people about why he missed classes, but he still didn’t really like it.

“Oh right, of course” she replied. “It was just after the full moo-“

FUCK.

Lily had stopped mid-sentence, apparently only just realising what she was saying. Remus froze and looked wide-eyed at her.

“I mean, I remember, you being off. You were sick right? Yeah, I remember now…” she backpedalled, but she couldn’t take back what she’d said. Remus felt a horrible wave of panic starting to build up in his chest.

“How did you…” he said breathlessly, still frozen on the spot, holding his quill in mid air. He noticed her eyes dart to his hand, which had started to shake.

“I’m so sorry Remus” she said, a pleading look in her eyes. “I just sort of… worked it out. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

She looked sincere, but Remus was still scared.

“You don’t… you’re not…?” He was having trouble forming coherent sentences.

“I don’t care, if that’s what you’re asking” she said kindly. “I don’t mean that like… I just mean, it doesn’t bother me. I won’t treat you any differently.”

She smiled sincerely, and Remus remembered that she was muggle born. That she probably didn’t understand the full extent of the stigma that went along with being a werewolf. So she probably actually meant the things she was saying. The pressure in Remus’s chest started to loosen a little.

“How did you know?” he asked, finally putting his hand back down on the desk and blinking a few times to try and stop his eyes from opening so wide.

“It was mostly the eyes that gave you away” she smiled. Remus frowned.

“Fuck, Sirius said that too” he muttered.

Lycanthropy affected Remus in a number of ways, many of them physical. But the hardest thing to hide was his eyes. They were a sort of hazel brown most of the time, but about a week before the full moon they would gradually turn more and more yellow. On the day of the full moon itself the whole iris would be this god awful amber colour that made him look like a hippogriff. Remus hated it.

“Sorry” Lily said sympathetically. “It also sort of clicked when I heard your friends calling you ‘Moony’. It isn’t exactly subtle, you know” she grinned.

“I didn’t chose that nickname, believe me” Remus told her and she laughed. “They worked it out too, back in second year. I suppose it was inevitable, since we share a room.”

“I think that’s nice” she said calmly. “It’s no fun having secrets from people you care about.”

Before Remus really had a chance to ponder that enigmatic statement, Lily had turned her attention back to the notes on the table and started asking him something else about healing potions, as though that entire conversation hadn’t happened. Remus was taken aback, but followed her lead, and they didn’t speak of it again. But Remus felt distinctly as though he had a new ally, and his respect for Lily (which was already quite high) went up a few notches.

-

The second incident was, if possible, even more surprising. Sam Prewett, a Ravenclaw from his Arithmancy class sat down in the empty seat next to Remus almost as soon as Lily had vacated it. He struck up a casual conversation with Remus about OWLs and revision, which seemed normal enough, but then he started to enquire about Lily, wanting to know if she was Remus’s girlfriend.

Ah, Remus thought, that’s what he’s after. He knew Sam enough to say hello to, but this was probably the most extensive conversation they had ever had. Apparently James wasn’t the only one who had set his sights on Lily. Remus wondered vaguely if he ought to try and sabotage Sam’s efforts to get closer to her, out of some sort of loyalty to James. However, upon telling Sam that he and Lily were not romantically involved, Sam did not pursue the subject of Lily, and instead wanted to know if Remus was seeing anyone else. He felt very wrong-footed by this whole conversation. What the hell did Sam want?

“Ummm, no, I’m not” Remus replied, awkwardly. “Are… are you?” he asked, unsure if this was correct protocol, but it seemed like the polite thing to do.

“No, me neither” Sam smiled widely. “How about that…”

There was an awkward pause. Well, it was awkward for Remus at least, Sam was still smiling happily at him.

“I’m, uh, not much of a ladies man” Remus laughed nervously, scrambling for something to say, and hoping to indicate that if Sam was looking for romantic advice or something like that, Remus was NOT the man for the job.

“No, I didn’t think so” Sam replied happily. “I’ve noticed you, you know. Not in a creepy way or anything” he laughed. Remus laughed too, unsure what he was laughing at or what Sam was talking about. “I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while but you’re always with those other Gryffindor guys…”

“My friends?” Remus asked, confused. “You could talk to me if I’m with them, they wouldn’t mind” he shrugged.

“Yeah but I couldn’t…” Sam took a furtive look around them and then looked conspiratorially back at Remus. He jerked his head before getting up from the table to indicate Remus should follow. Remus felt a small amount of trepidation, but he got up anyway and followed Sam behind one of the bookcases, wondering what on earth this was about.

As soon as they were out of sight, Sam slid next to Remus, standing uncomfortably close, his face just inches from Remus’s. Remus wanted to take a step back, but it seemed rude, so he just stood there, completely mystified.

“I couldn’t do this…” Sam whispered, placing his hands either side of Remus onto the bookcase behind him, effectively enveloping Remus between his arms. Remus realised what was about to happen about half a second before it did, so his brain had no time to process the matter before Sam’s lips were suddenly on Remus’s.

In any case, Remus’s brain didn’t seem to be working properly anymore. He certainly couldn’t think straight, and he reacted purely instinctively, kissing Sam back and snaking his hands around Sam’s waist. Sam moaned softly into the kiss and parted his lips, pushing his tongue gently into Remus’s mouth and OH FUCK was that _something_. Remus did the same, breathing hard and pulling Sam closer.

They jumped apart abruptly when they heard someone approaching, and Remus barely had time to compose himself before the librarian rounded the corner, glowering at them.

“What are you doing?” she demanded sharply.

“Nothing” Remus and Sam said in unison, entirely unconvincingly.

“Hmmm, let’s keep it that way” she glared at them for a moment before walking off again. Remus let out a long exhale and Sam laughed quietly.

“Close call” he muttered, before leaning in to kiss Remus some more.

-

This went on for some time before Sam had to go and meet his friends for something or other, and he bade Remus farewell leaving him behind the bookcase, distinctly dishevelled and in need of some fresh underwear.

He went back to his table in a bit of a daze, trying to organise in his mind everything that had just happened. It was all a bit overwhelming.

Unbelievable fact number one: someone actually found you attractive enough to approach you out of the blue in the library and make a move. On YOU. You, Remus John Lupin, are desirable. Apparently.

Mind-blowing fact number two: you just _got off_ with someone in the library. You just got a _hand job_ behind the history books, you filthy fucking bastard. You have officially one-upped James Potter in terms of notches on bedposts and you have successfully one-upped Sirius Black on most scandalous place to have done _sex_ things in the castle. Not that either of them would believe it, in a million years, mind. But you’ll always _know_. Addendum to fact number one – you are not just desirable. You are _shaggable._

Incredible fact number three: you just got off with _Sam_ , who amongst many other things is in fact a BOY. You, Remus, darling, are gay. Apparently.

This last fact was news to Remus, at this point. The thought HAD crossed his mind in the past. One was bound to wonder about these things when they spent most of their life with a self-professed ‘flaming homo’ (the aforementioned, not-at-all-shy-about-his-sexuality Sirius Black). But he hadn’t really worked it out in his head yet, since the only boy who had previously stirred up those sorts of feelings in him WAS Sirius. And that was hardly a fair test, because there was barely a soul in this school of either gender who didn’t fancy Sirius. He had that cocky, self-confident thing down, with a hint of cool and aloof. He smoked, he wore leather jackets and muggle band t-shirts. He had that long hair that swept the top of those long dark eyelashes, so effortlessly elegant. And those big, expressive grey eyes that could make you melt any time he wanted you to. He had the pureblood grace and good looks, with the jagged soul of a disgraced delinquent. It was like fucking poetry. He was perfect. Certainly NOT a fair test.

But Sam, now _there_ was a fair test. He was good looking, but not in a ‘girls falling at his feet’ kind of way, like Sirius. Remus racked his brains to try and remember something about Sam’s personality, but the guy honestly hadn’t made that much of an impression on Remus before today. In fact, even after today’s wild fucking ride Remus hadn’t really learnt anything much more about him other than the fact that he was quite bold when it came to getting someone off in a semi-public place. This had been purely physical. Carnal, almost. But that was how Remus knew beyond doubt that he WAS attracted to men in general. Because his body had _certainly_ been attracted to Sam, and he had certainly enjoyed what they just did. Even though Sam meant practically nothing to him, emotionally.

So… yeah. There it is. I fancy boys, Remus concluded. Well, fuck…

He had a bit of a think about it, and was fairly sure that he still fancied girls, too. But he had less experience to draw on there. He had only ever kissed one girl – behind the greenhouses in fourth year.

He let out a long slow exhale, looking blankly at all the open books and notes still scattered across the desk from where he’d been studying earlier. It was only about half an hour ago, but it felt like much longer. Shit, what a day this was turning out to be.

-

Remus had thought nothing could possibly top that today. But he was wrong. The third event didn’t actually take place in the library, but Remus was still sat there, half in a daze, when the paper airplane hit him in the side of the head.

He frowned, picking it up off the floor and opening it. He recognised James’s handwriting.

_Dearest Moony,_

_You missed dinner, you bloody swot. I bet you were so engrossed in your revision that you forgot to eat again. That’s not healthy you know! Anyway, not only did you miss dinner but you also missed the unveiling of the FANTASTIC surprise that we have for you. Oh Moony old boy, you are in for a treat. We are now waiting for you in the entrance hall and we are getting RATHER IMPATIENT so come AT ONCE. You won’t be sorry, it really is FANTASTIC, if I do say so myself._

_Yours Truly_

_Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail_

Remus looked in confusion at the end of the letter. He had no idea where these new nicknames (if that’s even what they were) had come from, and it was a good job he recognised James’s writing, otherwise he would have had no idea who this came from. Well, aside from the fact that only his three friends called him Moony. He sighed resignedly, as he started to pack away his notes and books. The grand unveiling was most likely of some elaborate prank that they had cooked up without him. They were doing that increasingly often these days – particularly since Remus had been made a prefect. Not that he would ever turn them in, co-conspirator that he was. But he did try and stay out of it for the most part. Well, unless it was REALLY funny.

-

Remus met the others in the entrance hall, where they were waiting as promised, in a state of high anticipation. James in particular was practically beside himself, and leapt forwards outside into the grounds, crying “onwards, to glory!” Remus laughed and shook his head, following them wherever they were going.

“What has he done?” Remus asked Sirius, amused.

“Oi, don’t give him all the credit. Me and Petey have done some damn hard work on this too” Sirius replied, grinning.

“I can’t wait to see your face” Peter beamed.

Remus was grinning too, the excitement was infectious. But he had no idea what was going on. A small amount of trepidation started to set in however as he saw they were approaching the edge of the forest.

“Where are we going?” he asked cautiously.

“Just out of sight, Moons” James replied happily. “This is for your eyes only.”

Remus was mildly relieved, but his concerns were not entirely put to rest. If they had to go into the forest to show it to him then it must be something big.

He wanted to ask more questions but there was no point, they weren’t going to give away the surprise. Especially when all three of them were apparently so excited about it. They walked into the forest just enough so that they couldn’t see the castle anymore, and James stopped abruptly, turning around to face them all.

“I think this is it, lads” he said, his tone serious but his face still practically splitting in two he was grinning so much.

Sirius and Peter went to stand by James, all three of them opposite Remus, who was feeling very nervous now. They were standing a little apart from each other, and Remus had a mad notion that they might be about to attack him. The first insane thought that popped into his head was how embarrassing it would be to be sent to the hospital wing wearing semen-stained underwear, which he still hadn’t changed, having come straight from the library.

James and Sirius were now having some weird debate with each other, under their breath.

“I thought you were going to say something… like, I dunno, introduce it or something…”

“Me? Why me? You say something!”

“I don’t know what to say, you’re the one who wanted to do it today.”

“Yeah but I didn’t, like, prepare a speech or anything…”

“Guys” Remus interrupted. “Whatever it is, just fucking show me, OK? You don’t need to make a speech” he had to supress a laugh. James Potter’s flair for the dramatic was second only to Sirius Black’s.

“Well, it’s just, I think we need to explain WHY we did this” James told him. “So you properly understand. So you get the full picture of what this means.”

Remus was more confused than ever.

“OK…” he said. “Give me the full picture.”

“We did this for you, Rem” Sirius said, earnestly. “So you don’t have to be alone anymore. So we can be WITH you, when… well… you’ll see…”

“Oh right, that clears that up then” Remus said, deadpan. He still had no idea what they were going on about. It sounded like it had something to do with sneaking into somewhere (James sneaking back into the library, perhaps?). But they had the invisibility cloak for that, what more could they need?

“On three then” James declared. He looked slightly nervous now, which made Remus’s nerves increase tenfold.

“One… two… three!”

Remus tensed up, ready to react to whatever was about to happen. But for the third time today he was absolutely shocked to his core, as he saw his three friends in front of him transform into animals. Where James was stood a moment ago there was now a brilliant stag. Sirius had tuned into a big black dog with shaggy fur. For a moment he thought Peter had disappeared entirely, until he spotted the white rat scurrying over the leaves on the forest floor.

Remus was initially dumbstruck at the mere fact that his friends had achieved something so incredible. Becoming an animagus was NOT an easy thing to do. Then for a fraction of a second he felt hurt, that they had left him out of this, what was surely an incredible journey that they had possibly spent years working on. Then he remembered what Sirius had said, and it suddenly hit him WHY they had done this. And what that meant. And he understood why James had wanted him to understand the full picture because OH GOD it was… it was…

It was too much. Remus fell to his knees in shock, struggling to breath. He felt tears start to pour out of his eyes and the sobs came before he even had chance to register what was happening. His friends had transformed back into their human forms and were now crowding round him worriedly.

“Remus, what’s wrong?”

“ _Remus…”_

”Rem, we’re sorry”

“It’s OK mate”

Remus shook his head as James pulled him into a hug and Sirius and Peter awkwardly patted his shoulder and back. Remus had never cried in front of them like this before. He never cried in front of anyone.

“Fuck” he choked out in between the sobs, hiding his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, it’s been a weird day… I can’t believe you… you did this for me? No-one’s ever… you guys are…fucking hell…” he dissolved into tears again.

James released Remus and took out his wand, conjuring some tissues. Sirius took James’s place and wrapped Remus up in his broad arms. Remus accepted a tissue from James and started wiping his eyes and blowing his nose, but he was still crying. He couldn’t stop.

“Sorry” he said again. Sirius gave him a squeeze.

“WE’RE sorry” Sirius said gently. “Shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that. We didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset” Remus told him, wriggling out from Sirius’s arms and looking round at all three of them. It was important that they understood this. “I’m… I’ve never been so happy.” A fresh wave of tears came and Remus resigned himself to the fact that he was just going to have to stay here and cry for a while. Sirius hugged him again and Remus returned it this time, wrapping his own arms around Sirius’s waist and resting the side of his face against his chest.

“So these are happy tears?” Peter asked hopefully. Remus nodded. He knew that over the top of his head the three of them would be beaming at each other.

“Happy tears” Remus muttered in assent and Sirius gave him another squeeze.


	2. Transformation

Sirius was eagerly looking forward to the full moon this month. Remus was doing his very best to dampen their spirits, insisting that they had no idea what they were getting in to and it wasn’t all fun and games etc. Classic Remus – well, someone had to be the sensible one, didn’t they? They didn’t listen to him of course. Sirius was quite sure it would be dangerous, but since when had that ever stopped them from doing anything? They were Gryffindors after all. Not just Gryffindors, but Marauders too. They lived for adventure. And this, well this might just be their best one yet.

This would certainly be the one that took the most preparation. Three years they’d been working towards this! Peter had often wanted to quit, insisting it was just too hard. Even James had wanted out once or twice. That time they had each had to hold a mandrake leaf in their mouths for a whole month was the worst of it. James had failed twice, the second time with only three days to go. Oh, the swearing fit that had ensued when he realised he’d spat it out in his sleep was quite something. But Sirius had kept them moving forward with it. Just think of how much this is going to up our prank game, he told them. But it wasn’t really about that. It had never really been about that. It was about Remus.

Remus was a funny one. Not funny, like, ha-ha. He _was_ funny, in a dry and sarcastic way that tickled Sirius to no end. But he was also funny, like, odd. Remus was _complicated_.  But then again, not so complicated. His behaviour was confusing: laughing one minute and brooding the next. And his mood swings seemed arbitrary and irrational. That is, until you remembered that he's a werewolf. Then it all made perfect sense.

You had to handle him with care around the full moon, Sirius knew that. He went a bit hormonal and hyper-sensitive. A lot of that probably had to do with him being physically exhausted. He’d never say when he was tired, but you could tell because he’d chomp away endlessly on chocolate bars and drink his own weight in black coffee.

You also had to handle the issue of his _condition_ very carefully, and not just around the full moon. Moony was very sensitive about being a werewolf, for reasons that didn’t entirely make sense to Sirius. He was definitely ashamed of it. And he got very down about it sometimes. Sirius had heard him more than once refer to himself as a monster, and had given him a stern talking to for it. Self-esteem aside, frankly the concept was just ludicrous. Remus Lupin, with his oversized jumpers and his poetry books and being so damn fussy about how many sugars were in his tea (one and a half, no more and no less, thank you very much) – how could anyone be bloody afraid of him?

The thing was, as well as insisting that he was a scourge on society and should probably be locked up, Remus also got VERY angry when anyone treated him differently. Like when Sirius said something like ‘oh don’t worry about that, you’ve got enough to deal with’. He’d go postal, and yell about how they weren’t to give him any special treatment and he wasn’t a fucking invalid. Oh yes, Remus swore like a trooper, who’d have thought? Sirius loved that about him. Such a nice, mild mannered boy, in the eyes of all their teachers, but behind closed doors he was just as bad as the rest of them. Worse, in some aspects. He was the real mastermind behind a great deal of their pranks, and Sirius rather thought there was something ruthless about the way he always avoided detention himself and let James and Sirius take the fall.

Remus was an enigma, and it almost made perfect sense that he was a werewolf. What could be a better metaphor for Remus’s juxtaposing personality than this lovely, introverted young chap who turned into a wild beast once a month? Sirius also privately thought that it was pretty damn cool to be mates with a werewolf. Not that he’d say that to Remus’s face. That would be _insensitive_.

Sirius had studied Remus somewhat over the years and had come to learn all of these things about him, and more. Much more, than he suspected James or Peter had learned. More than Remus knew that he knew. Because Sirius _noticed_ things. He noticed the hollow look in Remus’s eyes the night before the full moon, and the way he’d be slightly withdrawn from the conversation. He heard Remus tossing and turning way into the early hours of the morning and the muffled sobs coming from his bed. He’d seen the patchwork of scars that was Remus’s body, always so carefully hidden under layers of clothes. He noticed how Remus was always so skinny, how his hipbones could cut glass, even though he ate more than anyone Sirius had ever seen. He saw through the fake smiles and the bravado and he saw the frightened boy underneath, in so much _pain_. And THAT was why they were REALLY here. THAT was what had kept Sirius motivated through the arduous and frustrating process of becoming an animagus. THAT was what Sirius was going to make better. 

-

Sirius had been inside the shrieking shack once before, but not at the full moon.

Shortly after uncovering Remus’s secret back in second year he had badgered Remus into taking him in there, just to see it. Remus had outright refused at first, and had become uncharacteristically snappy, telling Sirius it wasn’t a fucking game. But Sirius had worn him down in the end, and Remus had begrudgingly agreed to show it to him. Sirius now understood that the reason he had done so was because Sirius would never have believed the horrifying reality had he not seen it for himself.

Before they had gone he thought it would be cool, but the reality was about as far from cool as it was possible to be. Remus had been sullen and withdrawn the whole time they were walking there. Sirius was trying to buck him up, by chatting incessantly and even trying to get Remus to smile about how much it was going to kill James, that Sirius had seen it and he hadn’t. But Remus was having none of it, and every step closer they took made his expression harden that little bit more. When they had reached the end of the tunnel, Remus stopped short and just gestured forward indicating that Sirius should go in. Sirius had become a little nervous at that point, and told Remus he wasn’t going to go in without him. Remus had given him a pained look, but nevertheless has pushed open the door and walked through first, Sirius trailing close behind him.

Sirius could still remember how it had made his blood run cold, seeing the _destruction_ that had clearly taken place in here. Not to mention the blood splatter all over everything. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst part was Remus, standing frozen on the spot with his eyes closed and his face scrunched up. He was taking shallow breaths and looked as though he wanted to throw up. Sirius put a tentative hand on his shoulder and the boy had flinched so fiercely that it made Sirius’s stomach churn. Because it reminded him so forcefully of another scared boy who had cowered and flinched whenever Sirius touched him, because all he had ever known was anger and punishment from their parents. It had reminded him of Reg. And in a horribly confusing way, of himself. It was this moment where Sirius realised that it was his moral duty to take care of Remus as best as he could. And point of order number one was getting the fuck out of there.

Without further ado he had grabbed Remus’s hand and marched swiftly, all the way back up to Gryffindor tower. Neither of them said a word the whole way, but Remus didn’t let go of his hand until they were back in the common room. There, they stood and just looked at each other for a moment in complete silence, Remus’s big yellow eyes full of emotion. Sirius internally cursed himself again for not even having thought about how close to the full moon it was. This was the worst possible time to have done this, because Remus would be feeling on edge ANYWAY, and his senses were heightened. He remembered how sick Remus had looked inside the shack and realised with another stomach churning lurch that he could probably _smell_ the blood.

Sirius wanted to apologise. To tell Remus that he had been wrong. To tell Remus that he understood. That it WASN’T a fucking game. But the words seemed so woefully inadequate. In any case, Remus didn’t give him chance and went straight up to bed, even though it was three in the afternoon. Sirius didn’t follow him, and spent the rest of the day roaming the castle by himself, feeling like a monster for what he had just done to the poor boy.

That night after lights out Sirius had crawled into bed next to Remus. Remus had turned to him, his expression unreadable and his bright eyes shining in the darkness. Remus’s eyes at the full moon were something else. That was actually the first thing that tipped Sirius off about Remus being a werewolf. A lot of things about Remus subtly changed around the moon, but his eyes... there was nothing subtle about it. They were usually a pale brown, flecked with tiny shards of gold if you cared to look close enough. But the moon made the whole iris turn golden-yellow. Remus hated it, he thought it made him look feral. Sirius thought it was bloody lovely.

“I’m sorry” Sirius whispered. It didn’t seem like enough, but Remus took it. He buried his face into Sirius’s chest and Sirius instinctively wrapped his arms around him.

“I’ll make it better. I promise” Sirius muttered. Remus had said nothing, but had clung to Sirius the whole night, like his life depended on it. The next morning Remus was acting normally, as though nothing had happened, and they had never spoken of it again. But Sirius had never forgotten his promise.

-

Being in the shack was, if possible, even worse now. The sun was setting and the orangey light coming through the cracks in the boarded up windows made the whole setting look rather ominous. Remus was pacing the room, highly agitated. None of them had even seen him THIS close to the event before and he was kind of a wreck. He was talking very fast and kept changing the subject without explaining himself, making it difficult to understand what he was going on about. He was also very twitchy, and kept scratching at his skin and tugging on his own hair. Just watching him like this was making Sirius's skin crawl. He wanted to wrap him in a bear hug to try and calm him down.

If no-one else had been there perhaps he might have, but as it was he just stood with James and Peter, watching poor Moony unravel in front of them.

"You don't need to - I know you've spent ages learning, but I don't think you - It's not like in books where they say things like – FUCK, the moon, it's just, it's EVERYWHERE right now I can feel it in my skin" Remus was babbling constantly, his eyes darting nervously between his friends and at the boarded up windows. He scratched his scalp with both hands frantically, as though he had fleas. It might have been funny if it weren't so awful, seeing Remus in such a state like this.

"It's like, a stag ok, but maybe the dog could - And definitely the rat, it's not exactly - grrrr - Oh god it's soon, do you feel that? No of course" he let out a manic laugh. "Of course not. Fucking hell. You guys, you know you just-" at this point Remus had stopped pacing and taken James's hand (James was stood closest to him), his eyes tearing up slightly.

"This means a lot..." He whispered, looking at all three of them. Sirius opened his mouth to say something, hardly knowing what. But before he could Remus began his manic pacing again.

"You should go, now" he said in a strangled sort of voice. "It's soon, it's really fucking soon, I'm getting that - that feeling. You don't need to - I don't want - It's not like you-"

At this point James had taken a step forward and placed a tentative hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus turned to look at them again, an expression of pure terror on his face. He was visibly shaking now. Sirius stepped forward so that he was stood on the other side of Remus and gently took one of his hands.

"We're here mate, and we're not going anywhere" Sirius said, quietly but firmly, shooting a stern look at Peter, who was still hovering by the door, looking very much like he was having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Remus looked at Sirius with those big yellow eyes, now brimming with tears. But he looked a little relieved. And intensely grateful. Sirius gave him an encouraging smile.

"I'm going to - the other room - I don't want you to see" Remus whispered, looking down at the ground now.

"Moony" James said incredulously. "You're not seriously embarrassed about undressing in front of us are you?"

"No, not that" Remus muttered. He was still holding Sirius's hand and had started to grip it rather tightly. His palms were uncomfortably clammy, but Sirius didn't let go.

"We're here Remus" Sirius repeated. But this made Moony start to panic for some reason.

"No, no, you can't - I don't want - You don't understand" He was shouting now. He had dropped Sirius's hand and was tearing at his scalp again. "YOU CAN'T!" He yelled.

"OK, OK, we won't" James said, soothingly, holding Remus's wrists to stop him clawing at himself. "It's alright Remus. Whatever you want, OK?"

Remus smiled with relief and nodded liberally.

"Ok" he muttered, not exactly calmly, but significantly less manic. "I'm gonna - It's nearly time."

And with that he abruptly walked into the adjacent bedroom, shutting the door behind him. James and Sirius exchanged a bewildered look. Peter finally decided it was safe to cross the room and join them.

"Jesus, he's..." James tailed off. Sirius didn’t blame him. He didn't know what to say either.

"Do you think it's always like this?" He asked the other two, worriedly.

There was a pause, in which neither of them answered him. Sirius got the sinking feeling it was probably worse than this usually. Because he'd usually be here having to do it alone. He felt an incredible wave of sympathy for Remus. They knew how much his condition affected him of course, but they had never really SEEN it before. Not like this. And it hadn't even really started yet.

"We're..." Peter said, tentatively. "I mean, we ARE going to watch, right?"

Sirius looked sideways at James, who looked in two minds about this proposal. Sirius was too. Remus had practically begged them not to. It would be a terrible betrayal of his trust. And yet... damn it, his curiosity burned. It was an incredibly rare opportunity. Something most people would never see in their lifetimes.

"He might hurt himself..." Peter offered in response to their silence. Sirius scowled at him. He knew Wormy's interest in seeing it had much more to do with that same morbid curiosity than actual concern for Remus. Regardless, he had a point.

Sirius looked back to James, who gave a curt nod and slowly raised his wand, muttering an incantation under his breath. A small section of the wall in front of them became see-through.

The three of them stepped forward to look through it, Sirius quelling his own guilt by telling himself this was for Remus's own good. In the time they had spent deliberating, Remus had apparently stripped off his clothes (so they wouldn't get torn up during the transformation, which affected his body only) and was now crouched down, with his back to them. He was rocking back and forth slightly, his hands cradling his head. Sirius had another urge to go in there and hug him. 

A few moments passed, in which nothing happened other than Sirius's heart rate increasing with the tension. Then it started.

The fur was the first thing Sirius noticed. It started to grow out of Remus's back and arms - thick and dark brown, covering his skin. Remus was shaking more violently now, whether in fear or discomfort Sirius didn't know. He had also started to make these horrible strangled noises. Then the cracking started. Sirius didn’t know what it was at first, his eyes narrowed in confusion as the noises came through the wall. Remus's body had started to change shape - the shoulders broadening and the torso lengthening. It wasn't until there was a particularly loud snap and Remus arched back and cried out in pain that Sirius realised what it was.

It was his bones.

He wanted to look away, because it was too awful. Too gruesome. Too terrible. But he couldn't. He was transfixed. He heard James gasp next to him and saw Peter out of the corner of his eye turning away. But all Sirius could do was stare, wide eyed, in total silence. He felt sick. 

Remus was now thrashing about, and Sirius could actually see the bones and muscles under his skin bending themselves forcefully into the new shape. He could hear Remus's jagged breaths and screams of pain. There was another loud snap and Remus jerked his head back, splattering a trail of blood up the wall. His nose had broken as his face started to elongate. He was no longer screaming though. He was growling and snarling. The wolf had taken over.

The transformation was nearly complete, there was hardly anything left of Remus that was recognisable. Except the eyes. The eyes still looked human. They still looked scared.

James was tugging on Sirius's arm, telling him to take his animagi form. That it was time. But Sirius felt as though he was hearing him from very far away. He ignored him completely and continued to stare, horrified, at the wolf in the other room, which was now licking the blood off it's snout. The eyes no longer looked remotely human, and Sirius wondered if he would believe this was really Remus, had he not seen what he just had. He wondered how much of Remus was still in there. He wondered how much of this beast was inside Remus the rest of the time.

The wolf was now clawing at the door between the two room, snarling as it could evidently smell the others on the other side.

"SIRIUS" James yelled, and Sirius came to his senses. He shook his head, trying his best to forget everything he had just seen as he changed into Padfoot. But he knew he never would forget it. For the rest of his life he would have that horrible image burnt into his head. But that was nothing, really, was it? He had only had to watch. Imagine what it was like actually having it happen to you.

-

The night passed relatively uneventfully. The wolf was unsure of them at first, growling and snapping it’s jaws if any of them got too close. It warmed to Padfoot quicker than the other two – Sirius supposed this was because the dog was the closest animal to a wolf out of the three of them. It approached him tentatively, and Sirius lay still, allowing the wolf to sniff him, and even nip at his neck. By the end of the night, the two of them were playing like dogs would do. Chasing each other around and playfully nipping at each other. The wolf even allowed the stag to join in after a while. He would get distracted every now and then, and begin howling or fiercely clawing and biting at the furniture, but Sirius and James pulled him back whenever he did so.

Sometime in the early morning, the sun was starting to come up and the wolf curled up on the floor, looking tired. The transformation was much less brutal in reverse, although it happened in jerky, shuddering movements, rather than smoothly like an animagus transformation. Thankfully there was no bone snapping this time. Sirius theorised it had something to do with this being Remus's natural form, and hence the shape his skeleton actually WANTED to be. 

Once he was himself again, Remus remained curled up on the floor in the same position the wolf had been, not moving. Sirius wondered if he was unconscious, and he shifted back into human form himself to approach. James followed suit, but put a hand out to Sirius to stop him, looking warily down at Remus. Sirius impatiently brushed it away, stepping forward and crouching down next to Remus, who lifted his head weakly to look at them. His eyes were distinctly human and much less vivid yellow. There were starting to turn brown again. Remus looked exhausted, but he seemed fairly lucid. Sirius smiled at him, relieved. He knew perfectly well how lycanthropy worked, but after seeing what he had, a small part of him had been very afraid that he would never see the real Remus again. 

"How you doing, Moons?" He asked quietly, sitting cross legged next to Remus and gently lifting Remus's head into his lap.

"M'alright" he replied, his voice hoarse. He wrapped an arm loosely around Sirius's waist and Sirius stroked his hair gently. “Think my nose is broken again…”

“Again?” Sirius asked, frowning.

"S’OK… Poppy will sort it…” Remus’s lack of concern about the fact was even more disturbing than the idea of Remus’s nose being repeatedly broken like this. “Was everything OK?" Remus added, his voice still slurring. 

"Fine" Sirius told him. "We're all fine."

He twisted his head around to confirm that was indeed the case. Peter was back in human form, loitering on the other side of the room, still looking slightly wary. Of what, Sirius had no idea. Personally he'd never seen anything LESS threatening than an exhausted post-moon Remus. But he supposed that Peter was having difficulty trading that off against the dangerous wild animal they'd just seen. James reappeared from the other room, carrying Remus's clothes. He knelt down next to them.

"Got your clothes, Remus" he said, kindly, shooting an annoyed look at Peter who stepped further into the room but still stood a fair distance from them. 

Remus sat up weakly and slowly began to pull his clothes on, wincing with every movement. James watched him was narrowed eyes. Sirius tried to keep his mouth shut, but when Remus groaned in pain as he reached down to pull up his trousers he couldn't take it anymore.

"Remus, you're hurt!" 

Remus looked round at him with a grim smile.

"I'm not" he muttered dismissively.

"Don't lie" Sirius said, annoyed, pulling the now fully clothed Remus back into his lap. Remus didn't look happy about this, but didn't seem to have the energy to do anything more than bat his hands away as Sirius tried to stroke his hair again.

"I'm not hurt" Remus insisted. Sirius snorted, as his weak voice suggested otherwise.

"I'm not" he scowled, but he didn't move his head from Sirius's lap. "Fuck, it just... aches... a bit. It's normal."

"Nothing about any of this is normal" Sirius muttered darkly, placing a hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus half heartedly tried to shrug it off, sighing heavily.

"He's fine, Sirius" James said quietly. Sirius knew that James didn't believe it either, but was advising Sirius to stop fussing over him. But Sirius had no intention of doing any such thing. He looked down at Remus's limp figure, slumped over his legs. He wished there was something he could do.

"I've got you Remus" he whispered, wrapping his arms around Remus, who had started to shiver slightly. Remus had apparently had enough of fighting him on it, and covered Sirius's arms with his own, closing his eyes peacefully.

 


	3. Understanding

Full moons were never the same again for Remus. The transformation itself was still brutal, there was nothing anyone could do about that. But now the wolf had three companions to play with, and was even sometimes able to get outside and run around. And as a result, Remus did a lot less damage to himself. He wouldn’t have said that he _enjoyed_ the full moons especially. Given the choice he would obviously still rather NOT be a werewolf. Be he didn’t dread them in quite the same way that he used to. And it made his heart soar to see his three friends actually having FUN with it. Actually enjoying these monthly adventures. Not just hanging out with Remus in spite of his condition, but fully embracing it and making it a part of their lives. Remus had never dreamed he should be so lucky.

Having seen first-hand what the transformation did to him (Remus wasn’t an idiot, he had known that they would watch. And anyway, they were all terrible liars, and hadn’t been able to hide their shock and horror afterwards) his friends were also much more involved in getting Remus back on his feet afterwards. James brought him chocolate, Peter brought him books and Sirius would transform into Padfoot and lie beside him in bed and let Remus absent-mindedly scratch behind his ears. In fact, these days Sirius spent pretty much every night of the week around the full moon in Remus’s bed, climbing all over him and snuggling down next to him.

One night towards the end of the school year they were doing exactly this. The full moon had occurred last night, and though it was a relatively uneventful one, with no major injuries sustained, Remus still felt like shit. It was like all the worst parts of a hangover – head aches, queasiness and that awful bone-aching tiredness that made it an enormous effort just to roll over in bed. Padfoot was curled up next to him, his head resting on Remus’s chest, one of Remus’s arms around him. They were in the middle of a summer heatwave and it was hotter than hell in the dormitory. Padfoot was panting slightly and Remus was sweating with the heat. The bedcovers were bunched up around his feet and all the windows were thrown open, but somehow there still wasn’t quite enough air in the room. Still, Remus didn’t want to let go of the dog. Not when he felt so weak. The heat was definitely making it harder to recover.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, when Remus was drifting lazily in and out of consciousness, he was woken by Sirius jumping off his bed and shifting back into human form. Sirius stripped down to just his boxers as he walked over to the water jug by the window.

“FUCK, it’s too hot to be a dog!” he exclaimed, sounding annoyed.

“Don’t be a dog then…” James’s sleepy, muffled voice replied from over the other side of the room.

Remus watched as Sirius downed nearly the entire jug, walking over to stand by the window, hoping to catch some sort of breeze.

“Fuck, it’s too hot to be human either” he said, moodily. “Why didn’t I make my animagus a camel or something…”

Remus laughed.

“Because even before you were an animagus, you were always a dog” he said, grinning. “Anyway, I’m not sure it would have been worth it for the whole fucking two weeks of summer we get in this country.”

“Yeah well…” Sirius scowled, finishing off the last of the water, drinking directly from the jug. “Anything would be better than a dog in this weather. Even a rat.” He walked over to Peter’s bed and gave one of the bed posts a little shake. “What’s it like being a rat when it’s this hot?” he asked Peter, completely disregarding the fact that he was clearly asleep. Peter was by far the heaviest sleeper of any of them and rarely woke up during Sirius’s night time ramblings, which were annoyingly frequent.

“Leave him alone Pads” James called out as Sirius gave Peter’s bed another shake. “Go to sleep.” He was using that same flat, slightly slurred voice that suggested he couldn’t even be bothered to wake up properly for Sirius’s shit right now.

Sirius turned to James’s bed looking like he wanted to argue, but then seemed to change his mind. He sighed, resignedly and walked around the foot of Remus’s bed, disappearing out of Remus’s line of sight, as he lay still facing the window. Remus was expecting Sirius to flop down onto his own bed behind him, but to his surprise, Sirius (still in human form) slipped back into Remus’s bed. He pushed the covers further down the bed and scooped up Remus, pulling him towards him so that they were spooning, Sirius’s face buried in Remus’s shoulder. Remus was so surprised he didn’t even react, and just let Sirius position him so that he was more comfortable to cuddle. Sirius had one arm hanging loosely over Remus’s waist, the other stretched out underneath his neck. Remus wasn’t quite sure where to put his hands, so he settled for resting one of them on Sirius’s arm that was stretched out in front of his face, and letting the other one rest on the bed in front of his stomach. This was nice, certainly. But it was weird.

It hadn’t been weird when Sirius was a dog, because that had just been like cuddling up to a pet. What they were doing now was technically still nothing more than cuddling. But this wasn’t like the brief man-hugs that he and his friends often shared during daylight hours. This was considerably more intimate. It made him feel slightly embarrassed. He wondered what James and Peter would say if they woke up and discovered the two of them lying here like this. And there was of course the fact that Sirius was half naked to take into consideration.

But then again, Remus mused, this _was_ Sirius. The same Sirius who would wander round the common room with no pants on, or who would jump all over Peter in his bed to wake him up in the morning. And let’s not even get started on the lack of personal boundaries between him and James. Sirius could routinely be found sitting on James’s lap when James stole his favourite spot on the sofa, or licking James’s face to make him squirm (both in dog AND human form).

No, Remus thought, if it was anyone else it would most definitely be weird. But because it was Sirius, somehow it wasn’t. There was also the fact that Sirius seemed to pay much more attention to Remus around the full moon than either of the other two. Not that James and Peter weren’t wonderful and supportive friends, because they were. But Sirius just seemed to be able to read Remus a bit better. He could see when Remus was really hurting, no matter how much he tried to hide it. And he seemed to have made it his personal mission to look after him whenever that was the case.

And in fact, this wasn’t the first time they had done this. There was that time back in second year after Remus had shown Sirius the shack for the first time when they had shared a bed and cuddled all night. Remus had been upset, and Sirius was comforting him. He wasn’t upset now, but he was certainly feeling sub-optimal. So it was more or less the same, right?

Remus dozed off, feeling cozy and safe in Sirius’s broad arms. He woke up slightly a few hours later when Sirius extracted his arm from underneath Remus and rolled over. Remus did so too, trying to mirror the position they had been in before, but now with himself as the big spoon. However he was distracted by the scars on Sirius’s back.

Remus knew all about scars. He was basically a fucking expert on them. But it was rare he saw them on other people. Not ones like this, anyway. Long, deep slash marks made by Sirius’s mother’s cruel hand, which had obviously been left to heal without treatment. He ran his fingertips lightly over Sirius’s skin, which made him shiver slightly, but he didn’t wake up. Remus had seen them before, of course. Sirius was quite careful about hiding them from _outsiders_ , but there was no point in trying to hide them from the Marauders. They had shared a room for five years, after all. But none of them had ever really been able to take a proper look. Remus examined them now, and could see that some were clearly more recent than others. That was somehow worse than them having all been inflicted at the same time. That suggested an element of routine to the matter. A recurrence. Seeing them always made Remus’s skin crawl, with a mixture of unease and sorrow. But there was something about being able to _feel_ the ridges on Sirius’s skin like this that made him truly realise the horror of it. He felt slightly sick and tried not to think about how they had been made, or why. He did get a surprising wave of clarity though, as he lay there looking at his friend’s back. Suddenly, it made complete sense to Remus why Sirius was in his bed all the time. It wasn’t out of pity, for how pathetic Remus was around the full moon. It was because, of his three friends, Sirius was the one who truly understood _pain_.

Remus hugged him tightly, clamping his eyes shut so he wouldn’t have to look at the scars anymore.

-

A few nights later, Remus heard Sirius get up from his own bed a couple of hours after lights out. Remus was expecting Sirius to slip into his bed next to him, but was strangely disappointed when he heard the dormitory door open instead. He poked his head out through his bed hangings and saw that Sirius had gone. Frowning in confusion, Remus quietly got out of bed and went to investigate.

Sirius hadn’t gone far, it transpired. He was leaning against the open window in the stairwell just outside the dorm, smoking a cigarette. Remus went over to join him and Sirius wordlessly handed him the packet.

"Talk to me, Pads..." Remus said quietly, after pulling out a cigarette and lighting it with the end of his wand. Remus didn’t enjoy cigarettes all that much (he didn’t really understand why anyone would LIKE their mouth tasting like an ashtray all day), but he liked the fact that having a cigarette loosely hanging out of the corner of his mouth made him feel very cool. And he liked the wicked smile that Sirius often gave him when he was smoking them. One of Sirius’s greatest pleasures in life was when he felt like he was _corrupting_ Remus. Not that Remus took much persuasion.

Sirius shrugged.

“Nothing to talk about” he said, trying to be nonchalant. But there was a slight edge to his voice that Remus knew all too well. He was upset, but he wasn’t in a million years going to admit it. God forbid he should let the cool façade drop and just be _human_ for a second.

“You don’t want to go home” Remus nudged him. It wasn’t a question.

“Of course I don’t” Sirius let out a humourless laugh. “Neither do you.”

Remus had nothing to say to that. He was right, of course, but Remus didn’t want to acknowledge it because the guilt of this had been steadily eating away at him for months. His parents loved him very much, and Remus knew that they did their best with what was, let’s face it, a fucking shitty situation. But the reality of the situation was that they really just didn’t _handle_ it all that well. He hadn’t even realised this until his three friends had found out his secret and basically hadn’t treated him any differently. Even Lily Evans was completely normal around him after finding out. And that just blew Remus’s mind because he didn’t understand how anyone could treat him like he was NORMAL. Because no-one ever had before.

His parents were growing increasingly distant with every year that passed. His mother could barely hide her horror when she saw how much more scarred he had become over the course of the school year. His father did a terrible job of hiding his sadness when Remus was telling them about school and all the things he had learnt, because he knew the cold reality that was waiting for Remus after he graduated. And both his parents could barely even look at him after the full moon. He had overheard them at Christmas having a whispered conversation about how the wolf was getting stronger as Remus got older and they just didn’t know if they could contain him for much longer. Remus’s parents were clearly _afraid_ of him. And it was very hard for Remus to live with that knowledge, and to convince himself that he WASN’T a monster. Because even his own parents thought he was.

“Sorry” Sirius said softly, interrupting Remus’s train of thought. He didn’t even realise he’d been scowling until the surprise made his face soften.

“No, it’s OK” Remus replied, taking a particularly long drag of his cigarette and regretting it immediately as it hit the back of his throat and made him cough. “It’s true” he wheezed, and Sirius smiled, thumping him on the back.

“You’re crap at smoking” he said, amused. Remus was mildly embarrassed, but felt a little pleased at being able to make Sirius smile.

“We can’t all be as fucking cool as you” Remus replied, deadpan, and Sirius laughed.

“Yeah, that’s me” he replied broodingly, looking back out of the window. “Cool… far too cool to get upset about having to leave school…” he did that awful cold laugh again.

“It’s alright you know” Remus said quietly. “I won’t tell anyone. You don’t have to pretend, for me.”

Sirius turned around and looked at him, thoughtfully.

“I don’t, do I?” he said. Remus gave him a weak smile, which Sirius returned. Sirius finished his cigarette and threw the butt out of the window. He then sank down into a seat on the stairs. Remus followed suit, throwing his cigarette away as well, even though he was only about half way down it.

“You know all my secrets Moony, you know that?” Sirius said, resting his head on Remus’s shoulder. Remus rested the side of his own head on the top of Sirius’s. “And you’re the only one” he added. “I mean, Prongs knows stuff, but he doesn’t _understand_ , you know? Not like you.”

“I got off with Sam Prewett in the library” Remus burst out. He had no idea what had made him say it, other than the fact that Sirius knew all of HIS secrets too. Except this one. It was almost worth blurting it out like that though to see the nonplussed look on Sirius’s face as he sat up and looked at Remus in wonder.

“You what?”

Remus could feel his cheeks burning. There was no way he could say it again.

“I… yeah… couple of months ago…”

“Are you fucking with me” Sirius asked suspiciously. Remus shook his head earnestly.

“Sam Prewett? Ravenclaw, our year?” Sirius frowned.

“Yep. I didn’t start it, he just sort of…”

“Huh” Sirius seemed to be processing. He was looking into the distance, clearly trying to make sense of it in his head. His eyes suddenly focused on Remus again. “How come you never said you’re a ponce? _I_ told YOU” he said, quite seriously. Remus laughed.

“I didn’t know” he said truthfully. “And for you it was never exactly a secret was it? You snogged Jimmy Fletcher in the great hall in front of everyone in third year.”

“Yeah well, I was sick of all those birds making eyes at me” Sirius shrugged dismissively. “Not that it bloody stopped them, mind.” He narrowed his eyes at Remus. “Hang on, what about that girl you snogged last year? Jenny whatserface?”

“Wadsworth” Remus laughed. “Well… yeah, that was… fine…” he shrugged. “I think I can go either way” he added.

“How novel” Sirius replied, sounding impressed. “Well at least that’s one less thing for you to worry about. Your parents can marry you off to some bird and you’ll be alright won’t you? The thought of _doing it_ with a girl makes me gag, quite frankly.”

“Yes, I know” Remus grinned. Sirius was quite fond of describing to a very uncomfortable James in painstaking detail how much he loved cock, and asking James to explain how he could possibly find vaginas appealing. Sirius was not known for prudishness.

“When you say ‘ _got off with’_ …” Sirius started. Oh dear, here comes the interrogation.

“Don’t even go where you’re fucking going” Remus said, trying to be stern but he couldn’t help himself from grinning. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“There was kissing then. OK, I’d expect as much. Wouldn’t be much of a story otherwise.” Sirius said thoughtfully. “But if it was JUST kissing then that’s what you would have said. But you DIDN’T say that, you said ‘ _got off with’_ – that implies a certain degree of… getting off…”

“I’m NOT discussing this with you!” Remus said loudly. Sirius ignored him.

“What was it? Hand stuff? Mouth stuff? Did you _shag_ him? In the library? You fucking pervert!”

“I did NOT shag ANYONE in the library!” Remus laughed.

“Glad to hear it” a voice behind them said, and Remus swivelled round to see a highly amused James stood on the stairs. Remus felt his cheeks burn again.

“Prongs, our Moony’s a shirtlifter, just like me!” Sirius declared proudly. Remus punched him in the arm.

“Thanks a LOT” he said, as James cracked up laughing.

“Is that what you two are doing out here?” James asked, sitting down next to them. “I haven’t interrupted a _date_ , have I?”

Remus went, if possible, even redder and spluttered a little. Sirius was entirely unfazed.

“If I said yes would you piss off and give us some privacy?” Sirius shot back. “I was just about to get some vital information out of our poncey little friend here.”

“No, you weren’t” Remus insisted, looking towards James for some help. James gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Leave him alone, Pads” James said, ruffling Sirius’s hair. “We’re not all as into _sharing_ as you are…”

“That’s because you’ve got nothing to share” Sirius argued. “Quite the dry spell this year, Prongsie.”

“I’m saving myself for someone special” James said, entirely unashamed.

“Mmm, someone with red hair and a scowl that could melt iron?”

“Perhaps.”

“Well, I’d say there’s a better chance of Moony buggering a Ravenclaw in the library, but hey, miracles DO happen.”

“I did NOT bugger anyone in the library” Remus interjected, and the other two laughed again.

 


	4. Home

Sirius knew he looked like shit, and he fully knew that Mrs Potter was going to lose it completely when he showed up at their house like this. But he didn’t see what else he could do. It wasn’t as if he had anywhere else to go. Peter lived all the way down in Cornwall, and although Remus’s house was within reasonable travelling distance, he couldn’t show up on the Lupins’s doorstep with a blooming black eye, spitting blood out of his mouth. He wouldn’t put that on them, that family had enough problems of their own.

So he travelled by muggle transport to the other side of London. He would have much preferred to floo there, but there was absolutely no way he was going to back inside that house with that psychotic bitch on the warpath. He stared broodingly at the floor of the tube carriage as it rattled along the tracks, jumping in surprise when a young girl tapped him on the shoulder and tentatively offered him a tissue. He gave her a weak smile and took it, wiping the blood from his split lip. She smiled reassuringly at him, and under any other circumstances Sirius would probably have chatted her up a bit, just for a laugh. He wouldn’t have been interested in pursuing anything with her of course, but he still found it fun to flirt with muggle girls sometimes. It amused him how they would flutter their eyelashes and laugh at his terrible jokes. And there was something thrillingly rebellious about fraternising with muggles in any sense. The thought of how much it would horrify his mother was motivation enough. The girl in question _was_ eyeing him with interest, even in spite of the fact that he had clearly just had the shit kicked out of him. But Sirius was too deep in thought to pay her much attention and she got off a couple of stops later looking mildly disappointed, without the two of them ever having exchanged a single word.

Sirius groaned in pain as he stood up to get off the train himself, sometime later. He took stock of his injuries as he walked towards the Potters’ house, moodily lighting a cigarette. He was quite sure he had a broken rib or two. Definitely a black eye coming on, although he refused to look at his reflection in any windows that he passed, so he had no idea how prominent it might be. His lip was swollen, but had just about stopped bleeding. He wasn’t missing any teeth, fortunately. But the worst of it was probably the deep gash down the inside of his left forearm, that he had carelessly wrapped a rag ripped from an old t-shirt around. He could feel the blood soaking through his amateur dressing and knew that it was going to be another fucking huge and ugly scar. Jesus, he was going to end up as mutilated as poor Moony. He couldn’t help but laugh a little at that, in spite of how UNfunny the situation was.  The pair of them would make a fine sight on the beach.

He was starting to feel a little woozy as he got to the Potters’ house, but that was more likely due to exhaustion than blood loss. His mother had quite a knack for sectumsempra, and knew exactly how to hurt him whilst making sure he didn’t actually bleed to death. Because who would be her fucking punching bag then? Sirius took a deep breath and knocked on the door, staring down at the floor. He didn’t even look up as James’s mum shrieked and physically pulled him inside of the house, shouting for James. He couldn’t bring himself to look at either of them while she fussed around him, an endless stream of hysteria coming out of her mouth.

“I can’t BELIEVE that awful hag! How could she…? Oh my, what are we going to do? Oh, love, does it hurt? I must have some dittany somewhere, I… Oh I just can’t believe it…”

Sirius could see James’s feet a short distance away, behind his mother. But Sirius didn’t want to see that expression on his face again. A mixture of worry, pity and terrible sorrow. As if HE had anything to be fucking sorry about. He also didn’t want to cry. He wasn’t going to give that bitch the satisfaction.

-

After Mrs Potter had finished patching him up, and applied a significantly cleaner and more professional bandage to his arm, Sirius and James retired to James’s bedroom, where they both sat on the bed in uncomfortable silence. Sirius knew that he owed James some sort of explanation for just showing up here like that. But he didn’t know where to start. He certainly couldn’t tell him what had ACTUALLY happened. And anyway, the details were irrelevant. James already knew the gist of what had happened. Because it wasn’t the first time. And it surely wouldn’t be the last.

To his credit, James didn’t press the matter, and merely suggested casually that they play some exploding snap. Sirius gratefully accepted, feeling a huge rush of affection for his best friend. James was a brazen little shit most of the time, but he was actually surprisingly good in situations when things got REAL.

They stayed in James’s bedroom all day, NOT talking about what had happened. Sirius was just about starting to feel normal again when Mrs Potter called them downstairs for dinner. As they took a seat at the kitchen table, Sirius breathed in deeply. It smelt like Mrs Potter’s cooking and fresh laundry and the fragrant summer air coming in through the back window, which looked out onto a small garden with lots of flowers in it.

If Sirius had to name a favourite place in the world, it was a toss-up between Hogwarts and here. Hogwarts maybe had the edge, because it had Remus and Peter, as well as James, and it was free of the guilt of being an intruder on a family he wasn’t part of. But James’s house… this is what _home_ really felt like.

Mrs Potter placed a large plate of spaghetti bolognese in front of him and Sirius smiled gratefully at her. He wanted to thank her for so many things, but he was still a bit on edge after earlier and thought if he started talking about his _feelings_ he might start crying or something. So he said nothing, and dug into his food.

“So, Sirius” Mr Potter said, business-like, over the table. “I think we ought to discuss arrangements, going forward.”

Sirius put his fork down slowly and tried to swallow the lump that had just appeared in his throat.

“Oh let him have his dinner first, love” Mrs Potter said kindly. “We can talk about this after.”

Mr Potter nodded calmly and went back to his own food. But Sirius was not placated so easily.

“I’m sorry” he burst out, saying it a little louder than he meant to. All three Potters gave him their undivided attention, looking a little surprised.

“I’m sorry” he repeated, at a more normal volume. “I know it isn’t fair for me to just show up like this. I didn’t mean to put you out…”

Mr Potter was looking quite grave, and Mrs Potter was frowning in confusion. Sirius went on.

“I don’t want to _involve_ you or anything. I just needed to lie low for a few hours. I can go after dinner, I’ll be out of your way…”

“Go where?” Mr Potter asked, now looking as confused as his wife. Sirius didn’t understand.

“Go… home…” He hated calling that place _home_ , but it would have been weird to refer to it as anything else in this setting.

“ _Sirius…_ ” Mrs Potter said, looking upset. “You’re not going back there…”

Sirius looked to James, hoping for some sort of clarification, but James merely nodded at him, as though confirming something. Sirius still didn’t understand.

“Well I have to” he frowned. “I mean, I know it’s not _great…_ but… I don’t have…” Sirius was getting upset. He HATED the fact that his voice was going all squeaky as he almost whispered “I don’t have anywhere else to go…”

Mrs Potter abruptly got up from her chair and walked around the table. Even though Sirius knew the woman wouldn’t hurt a fly, it was natural instinct for him to cower in his chair and raise his arms slightly, shielding himself. This made her gasp in horror, and Sirius heard her start to cry as she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him where he sat.

Sirius didn’t know what to do. He still didn’t really understand what was going on. But her hugging him like this was making his eyes burn and the back of his throat catch. He put his arms around Mrs Potter returning the hug as he felt tears start to leak out of his eyes.

“You’re not going back” she repeated firmly. “Not ever.”

“You’re going to come live here, you idiot” James said. “You don’t really think we’d send you back to go and get maimed again?”

Sirius shook his head, not sure what he was saying no to. He was properly crying now, the emotion overwhelming him. Huge, racking sobs ripped through his body and he couldn’t do anything to hold them in. Mrs Potter kept hold of him tight, still weeping herself. He heard Mr Potter uncomfortably clear his throat.

“You were right dear, we should have done this AFTER dinner.”

-

It transpired that the Potters had been preparing for this eventuality for quite some time. James had spoken to his parents about the matter years ago, but there wasn’t very much that they could do, as pulling him out of there without the Blacks’ consent would be tantamount to kidnapping. Sirius was nearly of age now though, which made the legal matters a little less complicated. They only had to get through this summer without his parents kicking up a fuss about him having left home, because come September he’d be back at school. And then when he turned seventeen in November there was nothing anyone could anymore – he was a free man.

Sirius rather thought that this latest altercation had destroyed any residual hope that his parents ever had of him doing right by the family name, so they weren’t going to want him back anyway. But then, who on earth knows what goes in his mother’s deranged head. She might force him to come back just to spite him.

When he privately voiced this opinion to James in the bedroom they were now sharing, James asked him quite seriously what had happened. Sirius weighed it up carefully in his head, how to respond. James was more family to him than anyone with the surname Black had ever been. And after everything he had done for Sirius, he deserved Sirius’s trust and honesty. And it wasn’t so much that Sirius didn’t want him to know. It was just… there were bigger things at stake here. He might tell Remus, and there was no way Sirius would ever let Remus find out that he was (however indirectly) responsible for Sirius having the living daylights beaten out of him. Poor Moony would never forgive himself. He also didn’t know yet how to answer the myriad of questions that were sure to follow. He eventually decided to opt for half the truth.

“She found out I’m a bloody queer, didn’t she?” he said, trying to smile as if it were a fantastic joke, but James looked no less horrified.

“She sliced you open for _that_?”

Sirius shrugged.

“As far as reasons for slicing me open go that’s actually a pretty good one. Believe me, I’ve been punished for less…”

“But, I mean… who cares if you’re gay? It doesn’t matter, does it?” James said, incredulously. Sirius smiled at him. James was an incredibly rare sort – a pureblood who had grown up in the wizarding world, but with kind and tolerant parents who hadn’t taught him awful prejudices. Even the muggle-borns weren’t as open minded as James was.

“It does to the noble and ancient house of Black” Sirius said grimly. “Gay means no children, which means no heirs, which means no carrying on the family name” he shook his head. The whole thing was ridiculous to him too, but it was just the way it was. There would be no changing their minds on the subject. “Also” he added “as a proud pureblood you are supposed to be manly and domineering. Defending the family honour. You’re not supposed to be a nancy-boy.”

“But that’s stupid” James argued, still looking incredibly confused. “You’re not any less manly, just because you like men.”

Sirius laughed.

“They don’t see it that way. Only a _girl_ would swoon over a man with big bulging biceps and a huge cock.” He said this last part very suggestively, and it was very effective in making James uncomfortable enough to change the subject.

“Yes, well…” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Anyway… we’re still going to see Moony tomorrow, right?”

Sirius grinned.

“Ah, speaking of men who like huge cocks…”

James threw a pillow at him.

-

The next day, they flooed over to Remus’s house. It was the day after the full moon and James, Sirius and Peter had all promised to visit him, despite Remus’s protests that he would just be in bed and would be no fun at all.

Peter was already there when James and Sirius arrived, sat on a chair by Remus’s bedside looking at the marauder’s map with him. Remus smiled warmly at them as they entered his bedroom, and without even really thinking about what he was doing, Sirius climbed into bed next to him. He slid his legs under the covers and sat up next to Remus, looking over his shoulder at the map. They had completed the actual map of the castle by their third year, and had just about managed to get the moving dots to work half-way through last year. It was one hell of a complicated spell though, and Remus spent much of his time fixing glitches in it.

Sirius glanced back over at James as he pulled up a chair from over by Remus’s desk, and was a little taken aback by James’s slightly confused expression. It wasn’t until this point that Sirius realised he was in bed with Moony, and that this might be considered by others to be slightly strange behaviour. Apparently it had just become second nature to him now, to do this. Remus and Peter didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary though, and started talking about the latest peculiarity in the map – some dots which clearly indicated people in paintings (including the fat lady herself) had appeared. This wasn’t supposed to happen, as it would be absolute chaos to show the locations of all the portraits, there were bloody thousands of them. And half of them never even went anywhere anyway.

They chatted about this for a while, until James threw a grenade into the conversation.

“We can see if my dad’s got any spell books that might be useful when you guys all come over to mine next week” James shrugged casually. “Well, to _ours_ , I guess I should say” he added, grinning at Sirius.

Sirius smiled back, but he waited apprehensively for the fallout from this throwaway comment. Obviously he had known this was coming, and that they were going to have to tell Remus and Peter that Sirius was living with the Potters now. But he was hoping they weren’t going to make a whole big _thing_ about it. It had been embarrassing enough breaking down on James’s mum like that.

“You what?” Peter asked, looking back and forth between them. Remus spun round to look at Sirius, his eyes narrowed.

“What happened?” Remus asked quickly. It was a loaded question, because of course Remus knew exactly what had happened. And Sirius thought it was a bit of a dick move on his part to make him say it.

“Nothing” Sirius shrugged moodily, not looking at him. He felt Remus’s eyes rake over his long sleeves – an unusual clothing choice for such warm weather. He fiddled uncomfortably with his cuffs.

“She beat the hell out of him for being gay, that’s what fucking happened” James piped up, irritably. Sirius shot him a furious look, but James looked back at him defiantly. Sirius chanced a glance at Remus, who looked horror-struck.

“It doesn’t matter…” he muttered quietly. He hated seeing Remus look at him like that. It made the whole thing seem a million times worse. He felt himself starting to get flustered so he jumped up out of the bed and started pacing about the room.

“It _does_ matter” Remus said sternly. James stood up, opening his mouth presumably to back Moony up. Sirius looked angrily at him again. Why couldn’t he just leave it alone?

 “But it’s the last time, right?” Peter interjected. All three of them turned to look at him, and Sirius smiled. Wormy was quite good at diffusing arguments before they even started, mainly because he didn’t like the confrontation.

“Yeah” James said fiercely. “It’s the last time.”

Sirius gave him a weak smile and sat back down on the bed. James sat down too, looking calmer. Even Remus had stopped looking shell-shocked, although he was still frowning at Sirius.

“So you can take that stupid shirt off” James added, to Sirius. “You must be roasting.”

“I’m fine” Sirius snapped. The truth was out now, but he still didn’t want them all gawping at his arm. Mrs Potter had stopped the bleeding with the dittany, but he still had a huge scab extending the full length of his forearm. She was quite good at healing minor scrapes and cuts, being mother to James Potter and all, but this was beyond her healing expertise. And Sirius had flat out refused to let her take him to a healer. The damage was done, it was too late to prevent scarring. So there really wasn’t any point.

He and James stared each other down for a few minutes, before James dived on him, determined to pull his shirt off over his head. Sirius was laughing now, smacking his hands away and trying to push him off. But then bloody Remus and Peter joined in, restraining Sirius while James undressed him.

“Traitors!” he yelled, unsure whether he was finding this funny or mortifying. The three of them finally managed to wrestle his shirt off him and then backed away, smirking. Sirius gave James a filthy look, but James was looking at him smugly, with an I-told-you-everything-would-be-OK sort of expression. Remus and Peter both took a few glances at his arm, but managed to keep their faces neutral for the most part.

“You can borrow one of my t-shirts” Remus told him, pointing to a chest of drawers at the foot of his bed. “Just don’t return it with dog hair all over it” he added, smiling.

Sirius shot him a filthy look too, but Remus just beamed back at him. He grabbed a plain white t-shirt from the drawer and pulled it on over his head. He then jumped back onto the bed, wrapping his uninjured arm around Remus’s shoulders.

“So” he said, as if there hadn’t been any interruption at all. “You think we need to be clearer in the enchantment on the map exactly what constitutes a living human?”

Remus looked a little taken aback by the change of subject, but he took it in his stride.

“Well, sort of” he replied, and started chattering about the complications of excluding portraits but still including ghosts.

Sirius noticed James giving him that slightly confused look again, but he ignored him and studied the map carefully with Remus and Peter. He had had quite enough of Prongs’s shit for one day.

-

When they were back in James’s bedroom, Sirius flopped down onto his own bed (an identical replica of James’s which Mrs Potter had squeezed in there) with his head hanging off the edge. He looked upside down at James, frowning a little.

“I can’t believe you OUTED me like that” he said, his tone half jokey half actually annoyed.

“Fuck off, ‘outed you’” James said dismissively. “To Wormy and Moony? What, you were happy to lie to them were you?”

“Not _lie_ …” Sirius said, sitting up, as he was getting dizzy. “They didn’t need the specifics though. They didn’t need my mangled arm shoving in their faces.”

“It’s not like they’re never going to see it, is it?” James argued. “Especially Moony – you’ve got your arms wrapped round him half the time!”

A pointed silence followed, in which Sirius lay back on his bed looking up at the ceiling and said nothing.

“You two have been sharing a bed an awful lot lately” James probed further. Sirius felt his cheeks flush a little.

“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about” he lied. He was trying to be nonchalant but even to himself it sounded unconvincing.

He knew exactly what James was talking about. But he didn’t really know how he felt about it yet. He knew he had been right not to divulge to James the full reason he had received his latest beat down though. Especially not with him so keen to keep Peter and Remus in the loop.

Sirius had been lying on top of his bed in Grimmauld Place looking at a picture of Remus. As soon as he left Hogwarts he started to miss him. Well, not just Remus, he missed all of his friends. And he missed Hogwarts itself. The castle was more of a home to him than this God forsaken hole had ever been. But every night when he tried to go to sleep he missed the warmth of Remus next to him, and he found himself bunching the covers up and cuddling them, pretending it was really Remus’s chest he was burying his face in. He was aware that this was not normal, for two platonic friends. But there wasn’t very much about either Remus or himself that was normal. He was trying to work out whether these feelings actually _meant_ something or not, when his mother had burst into his room.

In hindsight she must have been looking for a fight. Probably been on the firewhisky again. Because Sirius wasn’t actually doing anything incriminating. OK, he was shirtless, but that was only because it was so bloody hot. But she had torn the picture from his hands, and started screaming about him being a poof and how filthy and disgusting it was. And again, in hindsight, it probably wasn’t that which goaded her into physical violence, so much as him screaming back at her ‘What’s the big deal? You eat plenty of cock, so why can’t I?!’

“Its… _fine_ …” James said, uncomfortably, cutting through Sirius’s train of thought. Sirius looked at him and he was pulling a very weird face, as though the idea was anything but fine to him.

“I’m cool with it, whatever…” James added, a little more casually. “But if you break his heart, I WILL have to kill you.”

“How do you know HE won’t break MY heart?” Sirius asked, grinning at how visibly uncomfortable the idea of marauder intermingling was making James. Although he couldn’t entirely blame him for that. The idea of _romance_ getting in the way of their escapades made Sirius distinctly uncomfortable too, and was probably why the whole thing was so confused inside his head.

James snorted.

“Because it’s fucking MOONY, that’s how I know” James said, as though this should be obvious.

Sirius lay back and looked up at the ceiling again. James was right. Moony was sweet and shy and so bloody… moral. He was the best, of all of them. Too good for the likes of Sirius, who invited trouble everywhere he went. Even if it turned out he _did_ have feelings for Remus, it was probably best he just try and forget about it. That boy had enough problems.


	5. Changes

The boys were on the Hogwarts express, taking them to their sixth year at school. They were chatting excitedly about what potential exploits this year might hold for them, when Remus caught Sirius looking at him appraisingly, for the third time since they had left Kings Cross.

“ _What_?” he asked, exasperated. He got the distinct impression that Sirius was sizing him up for something – probably to crawl through some tight space for their official back-to-school prank. Remus was actually the tallest of the four of them, but he was also the scrawniest.

“What?” Sirius replied, looking blankly at him. James sniggered.

“Do YOU know what this is about?” he asked, turning to Peter wearily. Peter shrugged.

“I think Sirius fancies you” he said, casting a playful sideways glance at Sirius, who sputtered. James looked impressed, for some reason which was strange. Remus didn’t think that was a particularly sharp zinger. But then, maybe it was, since Sirius was still incoherent and starting to turn red. Remus looked between the three of them in mild confusion.

“Fine” Remus said calmly. “I’m sure I’ll find out whatever you three are plotting sooner or later. When you need me to do whatever MY part is…”

-

They were no more forthcoming for the rest of the day about whatever it was they wanted him to do. Although Sirius DID stop staring at him after that incident on the train. Sirius and James had discussed a great number of ideas for pranks, which they had cooked up over the summer since they were living together now. But they hadn’t seemed to settle on a single idea yet. Peter had listened attentively, and made suggestions here and there. Remus had listened attentively too, but had actively refused to give an opinion, reminding them that he was a prefect. He knew it was empty words, and that when the time came he would be up to his neck in it and laughing all the way. But he felt like he should at least resist _a little_ , in the earlier planning stages, so as not to encourage them too much. After all, encouraging James and Sirius was a very dangerous thing.

When they finally reached the dormitory that evening, Remus was hanging a calendar on the wall over his bed, when Sirius approached him.

“Only a week until next full moon” he said quietly, making Remus jump slightly as he hadn’t realised that Sirius was stood right behind him.

“Yeah” Remus said, darkly. “I can feel it already…”

It was hard to describe the feeling he got in the few days before the full moon. ‘Prickly’ was the best word he could think of.

“You alright?” Sirius asked him. On the other side of the room Remus could hear James and Peter whispering and tittering about something. Sirius shot them both an annoyed look.

“Yeah, I’m fine” Remus sighed resignedly. “It’s better here than it is at home, you know, now I’ve got you guys” he smiled at Sirius, who returned it warmly.

Remus was about to ask Sirius how the rest of his summer had been, but before he had the chance, Sirius bound over to the other side of the room, to smack both James and Peter on the backs of their heads.

“What are you two _girls_ giggling about?” he demanded, as he did so.

-

Remus had had a VERY eventful summer, but he wasn’t all that keen to share the gory details with his friends. In fact, he wasn’t sure if he ought to tell them about it at all, not after how much Sirius had hounded him after finding out about that thing in the library. Nothing much had come of him and Sam in the end – they had met up a couple more times around the castle before summer, and had vaguely talked about perhaps meeting up over the holidays. But they never did, and Remus wasn’t all that bothered about it. He had had other things on his mind.

Remus was apparently much more _shaggable_ than he had ever imagined, as he had somehow caught the eye of a tall, dark and handsome boy at the muggle bookshop near his house that he frequented when he was home. His name was Joe and he approached Remus all swagger and cockiness, wearing a worn leather jacket (even in this heat) which forcibly reminded Remus of Sirius. Remus was clued up enough this time to actually recognise that the other boy was flirting with him, and a wicked idea occurred to him as he realised he could very easily do something about that. So he had done to Joe exactly what Sam had done to him that time in the library, beckoning him to join Remus behind a bookshelf and pushing him up against it, kissing him, in a fit of bravado that no-one would ever believe even if he did tell them. It was a fun experiment, of sorts, with Remus acting much more confident than he actually felt. And Remus had found that he quite LIKED being assertive. He certainly liked the way that Joe had responded to it, giving himself completely to Remus and begging for more. And Remus had been only too happy to oblige.

The weeks that followed were an education, of sorts. Joe was an experienced lover, and could do things that made Remus’s head explode. But as well as learning how to do _certain_ _things_ , Remus also learned a hell of a lot about himself. He learned that his foul mouth ran away with itself when he was lost in pleasure. He learned that he much preferred to fuck, rather than to _be_ fucked. He learned that he liked it an awful lot when someone sank their teeth into his neck. But most importantly, he learned that he was NOT shy, not at all, in the heat of the moment. Yes, it had been a very surprising summer, in a whole host of different ways.

But, ultimately, it had been a summer fling and nothing more. Remus thought fondly of Joe and the FUCKING FANTASTIC things he could do with his tongue. But he wasn’t in love with the guy. They had parted amicably, Remus telling him he was off back to boarding school (which was true enough) and wishing him well. Remus knew that the experience had been a formative one though, and that it had subtly changed him. It had certainly changed the way he thought about sex, at the very least. Something Sirius noticed, when he made some crack about Remus liking cock, and Remus didn’t react in the slightest.

“Did you hear what I said, Moony?” Sirius asked, throwing a scrunched up bit of parchment at him from where he was lying on the rug in the common room. Remus looked disdainfully down at him from where he sat on the sofa.

“Yes I heard you. You said you’d better not encroach on my territory this year now that I’ve been outed as someone who likes cock just as much as you do” Remus stared Sirius down as he said this, completely unabashed. Sirius looked at him, open mouthed and looking incredibly surprised but grinning all the same. He jumped up from the floor and set himself down in Remus’s lap, putting an arm around Remus’s neck to steady himself. Peter was already sat next to Remus on the sofa so James shuffled over from by the rug to join the three, sitting on the arm next to Peter.

“You’re different” Sirius announced, looking at Remus from all angles. “What have you done with my shy and quiet little Moony?”

“I was never little” Remus replied, ignoring the rest of the question. Sirius now had hold of Remus’s head and was tilting it this way and that to get a better look at him.

“That’s a love bite on your neck!” he cried in a scandalised tone. James leaned over to take a better look and Remus grabbed Sirius’s wrists to put an end to the manhandling. Remus looked scrawny but he was strong. Sirius struggled against him but he couldn’t free himself from Remus’s grip.

“It is not” Remus said calmly, but that was a lie. It was faded, but it was there.

“Liar!” Sirius retorted, still trying to wriggle out of Remus’s grip. “When did YOU get so good at lying? You really ARE different!”

“Yeah, that’s definitely a love bite” Peter confirmed, taking advantage of Remus’s distraction holding Sirius at bay to get a good look at his neck.

“Well well well Moony” James said eagerly. “Sounds like you’ve had QUITE the summer.”

“Was this that Prewett guy?” Sirius asked seriously. He didn’t look happy about it for some reason, but he had stopped squirming so Remus finally let go of him.

“No” Remus replied simply, knowing this would drive all three of them crazy. He was right. Peter said ‘hah’ in a surprised but strangely triumphant tone. James said ‘Mooooony’ in an impressed voice. Sirius continued to look suspiciously at him.

“What?” Remus asked him, innocently.

“You had sex, didn’t you? That’s why you’re all cocky all of a sudden” Sirius scowled. “You’ve been deflowered!”

James snorted.

“ _Deflowered_?” he said incredulously. “That’s a bit camp, even for you mate…”

Sirius ignored him.

“Well?” he demanded of Remus, still frowning. Remus didn’t see why Sirius should be so annoyed by that. He didn’t particularly want to answer. To outright say yes seemed a bit boastful. But to deny it was pointless. Remus shrugged, hoping this was a good middle ground.

“Moooony” James said again, punching him in the arm.

“Boy or girl?” Sirius demanded, looking thunderous. Remus was taken aback, and looked to James for a clue as to what this was about. James looked equally confused, and was now eyeing Sirius warily.

“Does it make a difference?” Remus asked, worriedly.

“I don’t know” Sirius replied broodingly. He thought about it for a moment. “Yes” he added after a pause. “Yes it does. Boy or girl?”

“Boy” Remus said tentatively, quite sure that this was the wrong answer. He was right again. Sirius’s scowl deepened and he got up from the sofa.

“Right then” he muttered, and without saying another word he moodily marched out of the common room and through the portrait hole. Remus watched him go. He’d never felt more confused in his life. They had been laughing and joking about it not five minutes ago.

“What the fuck was that about?” Remus asked James. James looked as though he was thinking carefully about his answer, which meant he knew more than he was about to let on.

“I think he doesn’t like the idea of you being a… whatever the gay equivalent of a babe-magnet is” James said slowly.

“Me? A babe magnet. Are you shitting me?” Remus asked incredulously. The idea was laughable.

“Well, you’ve had more action than _he_ has these past few months” James pointed out. “And the way you called him out just now, you’re obviously more confident.”

“So he’s pissed off because I’m more confident?”

“No…” James was choosing his words carefully again. “I think… he just doesn’t want you to change, you know? And… well… Remus, it’s pretty obvious don’t you think? He’s jealous.”

“He’s jealous of _me_?” Remus asked, sceptically. Never in a million years did he think he’d be having this conversation.

“Not _of_ you exactly… just… I think you need to talk to HIM about this, Remus” James looked uncomfortable now.

Remus frowned at him, wondering what he knew. There was no point in pressing the matter, though, James was fiercely loyal and would take Sirius’s secrets to the grave. He looked over at the portrait hole that Sirius had disappeared through and sighed resignedly. How in the world could Sirius Black be jealous of _him_? He could have ANYONE he wanted. Literally anyone. Did he really begrudge Remus one summer fling, with a muggle boy that none of them would ever even see again?

 


	6. Worthless

Sirius knew that he had overreacted. He knew that he had no right to be angry with Remus for shagging someone else, because it wasn’t like Sirius had TOLD him how he felt. It wasn’t like Sirius had told ANYONE how he felt. In fact, he hadn’t even really admitted it to himself until right now.

It was those bloody EYES. They would be the death of him. Those beautiful, golden eyes that Sirius could get lost in forever. Seeing those eyes looking at him so casually, like he was so fucking UNIMPORTANT, while they calmly discussed Remus’s latest conquest. And since when was Remus such a bloody stud? Since when did he go out and get laid over the summer? The library had been one thing, because he was still Remus afterwards. He was still shy and sweet and LOVELY. But now… he was different. And Sirius didn’t want him to be different. Because he loved the old Moony.

He loved him.

Sirius kicked a suit of armour as he walked past, and it fell to the floor with a clatter. A few of the portraits scolded him, but he disregarded this completely and continued to stalk moodily down the corridor. This was bloody typical. NOTHING in Sirius’s life ever went the way it was supposed to. NOTHING was ever EASY. And now on top of all the other shit he was _in love_ with his best mate. His best mate who looked right through him like he was nothing worth considering, beyond a purely platonic friendship. His best mate who just happened to be a FUCKING WEREWOLF (as if things weren’t complicated enough already) and therefore probably didn’t want to go out with ANYONE, because he didn’t trust that secret with ANYONE. So Sirius would have to watch him bounce around and go through a string of unfulfilling casual flings never letting anyone really LOVE him. Because he wouldn’t think that he _deserved_ that. But the shittest part of all of it was that even though Sirius could be the one who really would _love_ him, it was never going to happen. Because even if by some miracle Remus liked him back, in that way, Sirius couldn’t take the chance of fucking it up. He would NOT lose Remus’s friendship, not for anything. And he would not bring more hurt upon him, not when he already had so much to bear.

So now Sirius had to be the one to bear this. He was going to have to suck it up and just fucking DEAL with it. He punched another suit of armour, leaving a huge dent in the breast plate and splitting his knuckles open. He didn’t even realise there was another person in this corridor until he heard the gasp behind him.

He wheeled round, about to tell whoever it was to fuck off and mind their own business, but forgot about everything else entirely when he saw the person standing behind him was Regulus.

-

The two of them stared blankly at each other, until the silence was punctuated by blood dripping down from Sirius’s hand onto the floor. Regulus’s eyes darted to it and he looked troubled.

“I’m sorry” Sirius said quietly. There were so many things to apologise for. He wasn’t sure where to start. I’m sorry for making them so angry. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you, to be better than me. I’m sorry for leaving you there. I’m sorry that you  have to deal with it alone, now I’m not there anymore.

“Mother blasted you off the family tree” Regulus told him. He was holding a large book, his arms wrapped around it pressing it tightly into his chest, as if it would protect him somehow.

“Good” was all Sirius could manage in response to that. He couldn’t give less of a shit about the Black family tree.

“It wasn’t me, who told her” Regulus said softly.

“I know” Sirius replied. “She figured it out herself. What can I say, I was never very good at hiding who I am.”

“You could have tried harder” Regulus was suddenly angry. “You didn’t have to fight back so much. You could have just…”

“Just WHAT, Reg?” Sirius bristled. “Just married a nice pureblood woman, preferably one I share some chromosomes with, and produce a nice pureblood heir? And then fill their head with lies and-“

“Oh spare me!” Regulus spat, cutting him off. “You pretend like it was SO HARD for you to do what you did, but the truth of it was you did whatever the hell you wanted, consequences be damned! And _I_ had to be the good one. _I_ had to NOT be a disappointment! _I_ had to uphold the family honour because you sure as hell weren’t going to!”

“Family honour, what a crock of shit!” Sirius yelled. “How can you possibly be so proud to be a Black? You really want to carry on the _noble_ tradition of beating your kids and torturing muggles for fun?”

“This is about SURVIVAL Sirius!” Regulus yelled back. “How can you be so blind? You KNOW what’s coming and you’re a fucking idiot if you think you’re on the winning side!”

“And you’re a fucking COWARD!” Sirius screamed.

At this point, Sirius was hit from behind by a spell of some sort that knocked the breath out of him. He fell to the floor, feeling as though he’d been punched in the chest. He gasped for air as he looked up and saw none other than Severus Snape advancing down the corridor towards them. Sirius hastily drew his wand and fired a counter curse at Snape, which he blocked lazily.

“How nice, a family reunion” he sneered, joining Regulus and looking down at Sirius with distaste.

“Get fucked” Sirius snapped, casting another curse, which Snape blocked again.

“How eloquent” Snape drawled. “I don’t wonder that your family have had enough of you. You’re a disgrace to the pureblood name.”

“Fucking right, I am” Sirius declared proudly, standing up again and taking a menacing stance, his wand fixed on Snape’s face. “Whatever ever side you’re on _Snivellus_ you can be damn sure I’m on the opposite!”

Snape fired another hex at Sirius, which he dodged and rapidly returned. This time it was Regulus who deflected it.

“STOP IT” he screeched. He had always been like this. Couldn’t stand the fighting. Sirius knew that was why he knuckled under, but he was still a bloody coward for doing so. Some things were worth fighting for. At least Snape understood that.

“Gryffindor FOOLS” Snape spat. “All brawn and no brain! You think it makes you BRAVE, defending mudbloods and _werewolves_ but let’s see how well that serves you in the times to come.”

Sirius didn’t like it all, the way that Snape had said ‘werewolves’. They knew that he suspected, he had been dropping threatening hints to the marauders all last year. Sirius fired another curse at Snape, who blocked it neatly and fired another one of those chest-thumping ones at Sirius, which he wasn’t quick enough to dodge. He fell to his knees again, seeing flashing spots in his eyes.

“You really think you’re a match for me, Black?” Snape was saying triumphantly, while Regulus in the background was beseeching him to stop again. “Not so easy without your lapdogs backing you up, is it?” he added, ignoring Reg.

Sirius snarled and lunged at Snape, punching him in the mouth. Snape was probably right, Sirius probably couldn’t take him down in a one-on-one duel, especially not with Regulus complicating matters. But he could beat him up the good old fashioned way, that was for sure. Snape dropped his wand in surprise and Sirius continued to pummel him.

“ _Condemning_ muggle-borns, that’s served you well, has it?” Sirius yelled. “I notice Evans doesn’t give you the time of day anymore. Come to her senses, has she?” He knew that would hurt.

Snape roared in anger and punched Sirius in the face. He would have a black eye there later, but that didn’t concern him in the slightest just now.

At this point, Regulus cast a powerful shield charm forcing the two of them apart.

Snape was bleeding through the nose, and he looked furious as he yelled at Regulus to drop the shield charm. Regulus refused and Snape couldn’t make him without his wand, so he turned his attention back to Sirius, who was throwing himself at the forcefield in between them, trying to fight his way through with pure brute force.

“So what about you then, _queer boy?”_ Snape taunted him. “I don’t see anyone lining up for the pleasure of YOUR company. Hell” he laughed maliciously. “Even the _wolf_ won’t have you. That’s what you really want, isn’t it?” He laughed some more. “Sirius Black, not even good enough for a beast…”

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH” Sirius screamed, blind with anger. He wanted to cause Snape as much pain as physically possible. He could feel Regulus’s shield charm start to falter and redoubled his efforts to fight through. Snape continued to laugh.

“You’re worthless, Black. You and that mutt you walk around with. I’d say the two of you deserve each other, but frankly he could do better.”

-

This was the last thing Sirius remembered before waking up in the hospital wing. He supposed that Reg’s shield charm must have broken and Snape must have knocked him out with something. Fury descended over Sirius and he was about to get up out of bed to go and find Snape and kill him, when he spotted Remus asleep in the chair next to his bed. It was the middle of the night and Pomfrey didn’t allow visitors after dark, but Remus had apparently snook in here anyway. Sirius reached over and gently tugged on his hand to wake him up.

“Sirius” he said groggily, blinking rapidly and leaning forward to inspect him. “Are you alright? What happened?”

“Snape happened” Sirius said darkly. “He knows, Rem. About your furry little problem.”

“What did he say?” Remus asked, worriedly.

Sirius shook his head. He would never in a million years repeat the things Severus had said to Remus.

“It doesn’t matter” he said. “He knows, that’s the important thing.”

Remus bit his lip nervously, and Sirius realised he was still holding his hand. He gave it a gentle squeeze.

“It’s alright Moons. I won’t let anything happen to you” Sirius told him. He did not look reassured.

“What about what happens to _you_?” Remus said darkly.

“We weren’t really fighting about that” Sirius told him. “Well, not just about that, anyway. Reg was there…”

He didn’t need to say anything more. Remus’s understanding-yet-grim smile was enough for Sirius to know that he understood. Remus cast a furtive look around to make sure no-one was watching. There were two other occupied beds but the residents were fast asleep. Remus then carefully climbed into the bed next to Sirius, putting an arm around his back and sitting next to him. Sirius rested his head against Remus’s inner shoulder.

“I’m really sorry Remus” Sirius said quietly. “About earlier. I was a dick. I just… I was surprised. I’m sorry.”

“I’m still me” Remus said earnestly. “I guess, I don’t know, I’m a bit more confident about sex stuff. You’re going to have to try harder to make me blush. But I’m still me.”

Sirius chuckled.

“I know” he replied. “I’m sorry for freaking out.”

“Hey, even the great Sirius Black is allowed to lose his cool sometimes” Remus smiled.

A long, peaceful silence passed between them, before Sirius piped up.

“So, are you a top or a bottom?”


	7. Amortentia

Snape managed to skilfully avoid Sirius for the next few weeks. They shared a couple of lessons, in which Sirius would glare at him, grinding his teeth and thinking up all sorts of terrible punishments he was going to exact when he managed to get hold of him outside of class. But so far the opportunity for retribution had not presented itself.

Regulus was also nowhere to be seen, but that wasn’t really surprising. The kid had always skulked around under the radar and Sirius rarely saw him around the castle even when he WASN’T avoiding him. And if he wasn’t avoiding Sirius then he damn well should have been, because Sirius owed him a good hex or two as well. Spouting all that shit about family honour and then just watching while Snape got one over on him. They weren’t exactly on good terms but they were still brothers at the end of the day. Did that not count for anything?

Remus of course had noticed that Sirius was acting a little more broodingly than usual, and was spending a lot of time trying to cheer him up. However, far from helping, this was actually having a detrimental effect on Sirius’s overall mood, because spending extra time with a caring and compassionate Remus was nothing short of torture these days. Remus had slipped into Sirius’s bed last night to cuddle him from behind, the way they often had last year, and Sirius hadn’t slept a wink because having Remus so tantalisingly close was agonising. Every fibre of Sirius ached with longing and it was all he could do to just lie still and not kiss him and run his hands all over him and GOD, FUCK he wanted him so badly. It was driving Sirius crazy.  He even wondered once or twice whether Remus _knew_ this, and was doing it just to fuck with him.

He was doing it now, the bastard. Looking at Sirius with those bloody gorgeous wolf eyes (the full moon was in two days), full of concern and care.

“If you’re about to ask me if I’m OK again, for the millionth time, I’m going to hit you” Sirius threatened him.

Remus scowled.

“Full of yourself, you, aren’t you? Actually I was going to ask how our firewhisky supplies are doing?” he replied flatly.

Liar, Sirius thought. He raised an interesting point though.

“Ah, of course. The toast.”

It was customary on the eve of a Marauder’s birthday for the four of them to stay up until midnight and drink a toast. Sirius didn’t remember how it had started, but they’d been doing it for at least three years now. Remus’s was the first birthday in the school year and it was only a couple of days away. Unfortunately, this year it coincided with the full moon, meaning Remus was going to be dead on his feet this time tomorrow.

“You still want to do it?” Sirius asked quietly. “With the moon and everything?”

Remus took a worried look around them to make sure no-one else was listening. The common room was quite busy, but no-one was paying them any attention.

“I don’t know that I’ve got a choice in the matter” Remus smiled grimly. “You know Prongs won’t let me off the hook.”

“Fuck him” Sirius said dismissively, looking over at James who was talking to a very exasperated-looking Lily on the other side of the room. “Don’t do it if you don’t want to.”

Remus shrugged.

“I don’t NOT want to. I like the tradition.”

“Alright” Sirius smiled. “I’ll ask Prongs if he’s got any. He usually brings a bottle back after summer.”

“Not yet” Remus smiled, looking mischievously over at James. “I want to see if Lily’s going to tell him to piss off.”

-

The next day however, Remus was looking increasingly likely to go back on this decision. He looked distinctly queasy over breakfast, drinking only black coffee and not touching any food. Sirius noted how his hands were shaking slightly, but didn’t pass comment. Some moons were worse than others and this one seemed to be a bad one. Remus to his credit did manage to go to Charms, their first class of the day. However, as soon as he stepped into second period potions he did a slight retch and then turned straight back around and walked out again. Sirius debated for a second going after him, but Slughorn was telling everyone to take their seats.

“That includes you Mr Black, unless you have somewhere else to be?” he called over, as Sirius was still idling by the door. He resignedly went and sat down next to James, deciding that he would go and check on Remus before lunch. It was hardly surprising that Remus had had to leave - the dungeon was full of all sorts of vapours coming from a large cauldron at the front. It wasn’t an unpleasant smell though. In fact, Sirius liked it very much. It smelt bizarrely like the Potter’s house. But also there were hints of chocolate and something else in there. Something like… old books, maybe? And something wonderfully familiar that made Sirius happy, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was.

“I notice some of you breathing it in already. Pleasant, isn’t it?” Slughorn addressed the class. “So, who can tell me what it is, in this cauldron here?”

Lily’s hand predictably shot into the air. She was something of a teacher’s pet when it came to Potions.

“Miss Evans?”

“It’s amortentia, sir.”

The name vaguely rang a bell in the back of Sirius’s mind somewhere, but he couldn’t remember what it did.

“Very good. Five points to Gryffindor. And I suppose you can tell us what it does then?”

“It’s a powerful love potion, sir.”

“Very good. Another five points. So… love potions. One cannot really manufacture love, of course….”

Slughorn started to drone on but Sirius had stopped paying attention. He had just realised that Snape was sat at the adjacent table to him, staring creepily at Lily across the room. Sirius threw a scrunched up bit of parchment at the back of his greasy head.

“You’re not going to slip away from me this time” Sirius muttered to him, as he turned around. “After this class, you’re dead, _Snivellus_.”

“Are you really as stupid as you look?” Snape replied, antagonistically. “I’ve already sent you to the hospital wing once, and that was with your _baby brother_ protecting you.”

“You stay away from Reg!” Sirius snarled, loud enough for Slughorn to stop talking and look over at them.

“Now, Mr Black” he scolded. “If you don’t stop disrupting my class it’ll be detention for you, since I _know_ you aren’t bothered about losing house points.”

Sirius said nothing and Slughorn went back to whatever he was talking about. As soon as his back was turned Snape leaned over again.

“Family loyalty, how touching” he hissed. “But don’t you know? You’re not a Black anymore. Rumour has it they turfed you out after finding out you’re a fudge packer.”

“Shut the fuck up, if you know what’s good for you” James interjected, leaning across Sirius to give Snape a filthy look.

“Are you going to _make_ me, Potter” Snape retorted, looking amused.

“If I have to” James said darkly.

Slughorn looked their way again and James sat back in his seat trying to look innocent. Slughorn frowned at them but didn’t say anything and went back to his lecture.

“What’s your wolf friend got against love potions anyway?” Snape muttered, just loud enough for Sirius to hear.

“I swear to god…” Sirius snarled through gritted teeth.

“Can werewolves even _feel_ love?” Snape went on, his tone amused again. “I mean, can a wolf fall in love with a human? Is that even _legal_? I suppose you’re the one to ask, aren’t you?”

“THAT’S IT” Sirius yelled, getting up from his seat. Snape jumped to his feet too, wand at the ready, but James pulled Sirius back.

“MR BLACK, MR SNAPE, UP HERE RIGHT NOW” Slughorn’s authoritative voice made the pair of them jump. Snape obediently went up to the front of the class and Sirius reluctantly trudged along after him, running through every hex and curse that he knew in his head, trying to decide what combination to use on Snape as soon as they were out of here.

“Right, that’s detention for the pair of you. And you two will sit HERE for the rest of the class” Slughorn gestured to the table with the big cauldron on it. Snape scowled at this, but said nothing and sank into a seat. Sirius dragged his chair around the other side of the table and sat as far away from him as possible.

“So, since apparently I am BORING you with my lecture let us get on with the potion-making” Slughorn said, clearly annoyed. He waved his wand at the blackboard and instructions for a very complex potion appeared. “Work in pairs – Mr Potter, you can partner with Mr Mulciber. Off you go.”

Sirius shot an apologetic grimace at James, who now had to work with that weird Slytherin guy that Snape had been sat next to. James merely scowled back and then moodily flicked through his textbook. Sirius then glared at Snape, who was already chopping up some ingredient or other. Slughorn came over to move the big cauldron from the table out of their way.

“You may not like each other very much boys, but that is just life, I’m afraid” Slughorn told them sternly. “You won’t always be fortunate enough to work with people you are friends with. I suggest you treat this as a learning opportunity. Sirius, you could learn a thing or two from Severus, a very adept potioneer. Severus, perhaps you might try to develop your team working skills.”

“ _Team working skills_ ” Sirius taunted, as soon as Slughorn had left. “Even Sluggy knows you’ve got no friends.”

“Better that than hanging around with half breeds” Snape replied lazily, not looking at Sirius but measuring something out in a vial.

Sirius had half a mind to punch him, but he’d already gotten in enough trouble today, so he moodily went to the store cupboard to get the rest of the ingredients that they needed for their potion.

The rest of the lesson passed with cold silence between Sirius and Snape, Snape engrossed in the potion and Sirius trying not to get distracted by those enticing fumes coming from the amortentia, that he had long since realised smelt like _Remus._ At the end of the double period when Slughorn was going around the room inspecting all of their potions, Sirius sidled over to where Snape was stood, watching him.

“Don’t you dare think this is over _”_ Sirius muttered to him. “I’m still going to deck you for what you said.”

“Which bit?” Snape’s lip curled. Sirius hated every bit of him.

“I swear to god Snape, if you make one more crack about Remus I will _kill_ you, do you understand me?”

“It would be touching, how much you _care_ , if it weren’t so repulsive” Snape bristled.

“As soon as we’re out of this classroom-” Sirius started.

“Oh, I’d love to, but I have something to discuss with Professor Slughorn after class” Snape interrupted him. “I’m concerned about another student you see. This boy, who always acts so strangely around the full moon…”

Sirius balled his hands into fists. It was taking every ounce of self-control for him not to lunge at Snape right now.

“Come to think of it, it’s nearly the full moon now, isn’t it?” Snape mused. “Day after tomorrow?”

Sirius thought it was a bit weird that Snape knew this. A bit obsessive. But it did give him a brilliant idea. He unclenched his fists as he thought about the terrified look on Snape’s face if he actually came face to face with a werewolf. He damn sure wouldn’t be shooting his mouth off then.

“Yes it is” Sirius smiled. “Maybe you want to come see for yourself, since you’re so _interested_.”

“What are you talking about?” Snape narrowed his eyes at Sirius suspiciously.

“There’s a knot in the trunk of the whomping willow at the bottom. The side that faces towards the forest” Sirius was speaking quickly, as Slughorn was getting closer to them. “Press it and the mouth of the tunnel opens up. Thursday night.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Snape still sounded suspicious.

“Come see for yourself” Sirius repeated. “I think you’ll find it _very_ interesting…”

Before Snape had a chance to reply, Slughorn advanced on them.

“Well, now this is an excellent batch. You see what a bit of COOPERATION can do?”

-

Snape did indeed stay behind after Potions to talk to Slughorn about something, so Sirius did not get the chance to deck him, as he had so promised. He laughed to himself all the way up to Gryffindor tower though, imagining Snape wetting himself and promising never to get on the wrong side of Remus again after Thursday night. He wasn’t going to let the wolf _do_ anything to him of course, even Sirius wasn’t THAT malicious. But he could give him a damn good scare. The matter was driven completely from his mind however, as he went into the dorm and Remus wasn’t there. He jogged back down to the great hall, thinking perhaps Remus had just gone to lunch, but he wasn’t there either. James and Peter accompanied him this time and the three of them made their way to the hospital wing, which was the only other place he was likely to be. They ran into him just outside of it, carrying a flask of something and a bag with what looked like a large slab of chocolate in it.

“Moony, are you alright?” James asked worriedly.

“Yeah I’m fine” Remus sighed, continuing to trudge back down the corridor. They wheeled around and followed him, Sirius putting an arm around Remus’s shoulders.

“Bad moon?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah” Remus replied. “Got some pepper-up” he held up the flask. “And honeydukes finest of course” he lifted the bag a little. “Poppy wanted to keep me in but I told her it’s my birthday tomorrow. I think she felt sorry for me…”

“Well, you _are_ pathetic” Sirius joked, and Remus smiled half-heartedly.

-

In the end, they didn’t do the toast. James was very disappointed, but even he could see that Remus wasn’t up to it. So James had instead insisted that Sirius, Peter and himself drink in Moony’s honour that evening.

Sirius and Peter shuffled after James as he bound forward, the now-much-depleted bottle of firewhisky in hand. He kept turning at random down corridors and they were now in a relatively disused part of the castle, down by the edge of the lake. Sirius rather felt like they were probably going in circles, but at Hogwarts it was difficult to tell - things moved around a lot. Still, he was sure they had passed this stretch of hallway already. Either that or both the residents of the paintings and the suits of armour from the last one had relocated (which was not entirely impossible). 

Sirius knew what James was doing - he was looking for adventure. And chances were if they kept wandering for long enough they would find it. And on any other night Sirius would be bounding forward with him, eagerly sniffing out some trouble for them to get into. But tonight he just wasn't feeling it. Even with the firewhisky coursing through his veins, he just didn't feel as carefree and reckless as usual. His thoughts were preoccupied with Moony, lying in bed on the eve of his birthday feeling sorry for himself. Even though Remus had told them to go, insisted it even, the whole thing wasn't sitting right with Sirius.

Remus was an introvert, that much was bloody obvious. And when he was feeling sub-optimal, which was often, he would curl up in his bed with a book and not speak to anyone. The three of them understood this and left him to it until he was feeling social again. But this past year or so Sirius had learnt that just because Moony didn't want to be social didn't mean he didn't want anyone there. He certainly bounced back much quicker when Sirius lay there with him, even if not a word passed between the two of them.

"Prongs, this is the third time we've walked down this passageway." Peter's exasperated voice cut through Sirius's train of thought. 

"Yes, and I've got a good feeling about it" James replied, his spirits not dampened in the slightest. "We walked past that tapestry of Barnabus the Barmy about a thousand times before we found the secret passageway there."

"By that reasoning we're going to have to walk down this corridor nine-hundred and ninety-seven more times before anything interesting happens" Sirius chimed in moodily. 

"What's up your arse?" James asked him, with interest. Peter snorted.

"I'm bored" Sirius shrugged. It wasn't entirely a lie, this aimlessly roaming the castle business was becoming quite tiresome. He took his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and slowly pulled one out with his mouth. James extended his hand for one and Sirius chucked the packet at him.

"Where's your sense of adventure Padfoot?" James demanded, throwing the packet at Peter, who predictably failed to catch it.

"Back up on the fourth floor, I left it there about half an hour ago" Sirius replied, lighting the cigarette with the tip of his wand and blowing a long exhale of smoke in James's direction.

James surveyed him seriously. 

"What's going on with you?" He asked, frowning. 

Sirius ignored the question, looking at his cigarette and not at James. He wished he had had more firewhisky, he was FAR too sober for this. 

"He's mooning over Moony" Peter interjected, slyly. Sirius shot him a furious look, but his attention was redirected to James, who shouted a triumphant 'HA!'

"So it's more a case of what's NOT up your arse then" James smirked, and Peter cracked up laughing.

"Fuck off" Sirius said to the pair of them irritably, taking another long puff on his cigarette and trying his hardest to act dignified.

"I don't hear him denying it" James grinned at Peter.

"So you really are shagging him then?" Peter asked Sirius, slightly in awe.

"No, of course not" Sirius replied defensively. 

"Why not?" James asked. 

"What do you mean why not?" Sirius replied indignantly. He felt like this conversation was fast getting away from him. "What sort of a question is that?"

"Well the two of you have been all over each other since last year" James insisted, looking as though he didn't understand why Sirius was being so defensive. 

"We have not" Sirius muttered. He wasn't even sure anymore if that was true or not. 

"Yes you have" Peter said, grinning.

"You're obviously mad about each other" James frowned, his tone now less amused and actually quite reasonable. "So if you're not shagging, then… well, WHY not?"

"You're seriously asking me why I'm not shagging one of my best mates?" Sirius replied incredulously.

"Yeah, why is that so ridiculous?" James asked seriously. "You two are kind of perfect for each other."

Sirius laughed at that.

"We would be a disaster together" he said, shaking his head. 

"No, I don't think so" Peter chimed in. "You're the only one who can really cheer him up sometimes."

This took Sirius by surprise. He supposed that was true, but he had never expected Wormy of all people to notice.

"Yeah but... he's a marauder..." Sirius said slowly, unsure how to articulate why this made the whole thing so difficult.

"Yes we know that Pads" James said calmly, looking amused. "But I already said I'm fine with it, didn't I?"

Sirius vaguely remembered their conversation back in James's bedroom over the summer, when James had last interrogated him about this. He also noticed Peter nodding enthusiastically, as if to convey the message that he was fine with it too. Sirius could have laughed at that. As if he'd dare disagree with Prongs on something this fundamental.

"It's not that" Sirius said, looking at his cigarette again and not at the other two. "I'd beat the living daylights out of the pair of you if you WEREN'T fine with it...."

"So what's the problem then?" James asked, sounding confused.

Sirius hesitated, unsure whether he should say. Whether it was right to divulge what was going on in his head to these two. He had reached the end of his cigarette, but he needed something to do with his hands, so he used the still burning end of his previous one to light a new one. 

"You can tell us, Padfoot" Peter said gently.

Sirius looked back and forth between James and Peter, with their inquisitive but good natured expressions, and he softened. These were his best mates after all. And if he was going to talk to ANYONE about this, surely it should be them.

"It's just..." Sirius struggled to find the words. "It's MOONY, you know? He's... he's too... I'm not..." Sirius shook his head, annoyed with himself for not being able to form a coherent sentence.

Fortunately, Prongs could read him like a book.

"You ARE good enough for him, Sirius" James told him sternly.

"You're the one who told me not to break his heart" Sirius argued. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Peter looking confused, wondering where he had been when this conversation had taken place.

"And I stand by it" James said, puffing out his chest a little. "But you can go out with him and NOT break his heart you know!"

"Can I?" Sirius asked darkly. "He's been through enough, don't you think? Without me fucking things up even more."

"Who says you're going to fuck things up?" James argued.

"I just would. I wouldn’t mean to… but I would…" Sirius said moodily. But blossoms of hope were starting to spring up in his chest. For the first time he actually started to wonder if it was possible. If he and Remus were really a possibility. But then he shook his head again.

"I don't even know if he wants that" Sirius admitted, looking down at the floor.

"He does" said Peter, with such uncharacteristic confidence that Sirius snapped his head up, wondering if Wormy knew something he didn't.

"You should see the way he looks at you when he thinks no-one else is looking" Peter offered, under Sirius's scrutinizing stare. Sirius looked to James for confirmation, who laughed.

"Yeah it's the same way you look at him when you think no-one's watching" James smirked. "I'm surprised me and Pete manage to keep our dinner down half the time..."

There was a long pause, in which Sirius looked back and forth between James and Peter. They were no longer teasing him, and were both looking at him earnestly. He didn't know what to say. 

"You really think he-" Sirius caught himself and stopped talking abruptly, blushing furiously. Christ, he sounded like a bloody girl.

"YES" James said loudly, grinning again. "Now go! Get up there and DO something about it!"

"What? Right now?" Sirius spluttered. As the words came out of his mouth he knew it was stupid. Of course now. What, was he going to wait around until Christmas?

"YES!" James and Peter chorused in unison. Sirius smiled in spite of himself.


	8. Perfect

Remus was lying in bed, trying to read a book. This close to the full moon his brain was a bit erratic, and it took an extraordinary amount of effort to focus on anything for more than five minutes. Nevertheless, he was trying to martial his thoughts, because he would much rather think about the book than spend more time being resentful about having to undergo the transformation on his seventeenth birthday. And it was also infinitely preferable to spending any more time agonising over what was going on with Sirius.

The latter topic was persistently grabbing his attention though, no matter how hard he tried to stop it. Things had definitely been weird ever since they came back to school this year. Something had happened to Sirius, possibly something to do with him having left home, but he would NOT tell Remus what it was. Remus had tried his best to make him feel better – he had even climbed into Sirius’s bed comfort him last night. They used to do that all the time, but now Sirius was being weird about it. He had refused to cuddle him back, and had gone all tense every time Remus shifted his position. Was it because Remus had lost his virginity over the summer? Was Sirius worried that Remus fancied him or something? Even if that was the case, that didn’t really explain why he could barely look Remus in the eye anymore. Unless he was _repulsed_ by the thought.

Maybe somewhere, deep down, he is repulsed by me and what I am, Remus thought. Maybe he rightfully should be...

Remus shook his head. There was that stupid, self-pitying nonsense again. All three of his friends would smack him on the back of the head if he ever said these things out loud. And part of him agreed, that it was pathetic behaviour and an entirely pointless and unnecessarily depressing way of looking at things. But part of him DID really believe it. The same part of him that also thought said friends would one day come to their senses and run from him as fast as they could. The same part of him that thought that when that day finally came it would probably be for the best, for all of them. For them for not associating themselves with a monster anymore, and for him for facing up to the fact that he could never have a normal life.

The word 'monster' echoed around Remus's head and he felt his eyes sting with tears. 

"Urgh, get it together Moony, fucking hell" he muttered to himself, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. He knew he was just tired and over-sensitive. The full moon did that to him. As if the transformation itself wasn't enough, he turned into a hormonal mess that would rival a pregnant woman. Nothing about my life is fair, he thought resentfully.

He gave his head another shake and tried to drag his consciousness back to the book in front of him.

-

Remus must have dozed off, because he was woken up some time later by Sirius entering the dorm. His eyes hadn’t quite come into focus yet, but he knew it was Sirius because with his currently heightened senses he could smell the firewhisky and cigarette smoke on him. Remus made to sit up to see what was going on, but before he really got a chance Sirius slipped into the bed behind him, pulling him gently into a comfortable spooning position. Remus was surprised, but said nothing and allowed Sirius to snake one hand between Remus’s arms to rest on his chest and bury his face in between Remus’s shoulder blades.

Now he was so close the scent was almost overwhelming. And yet, it wasn't unpleasant. It smelt like marauding and like celebrations and like... Well, like Sirius. Remus felt some tension melt out of his shoulders as he wrapped both of his arms around the one of Sirius’s on his chest. This was nice. It was familiar. Hopefully this meant things were starting to get back to normal.

Remus sighed contentedly and fumbled for his book, but it must have fallen on the floor. Sirius kept a close hold on him.

“Hey, Moony…?” Sirius said quietly.

“Hmmm?”

“I need to tell you something. Well, I want to ask you something…”

“OK…”

There was long pause.

“Sirius?”

“Sorry, it’s… it’s hard to… I want to…”

Remus had no idea what he was trying to say. Sirius apparently gave up on trying to express himself with words however, and without warning he sunk his teeth into Remus's shoulder.

OH FUCK. Remus let out a groan of pleasure that was surprising even to his own ears and that made Sirius take a sharp inhale. Remus reflexively pushed his pelvis back against Sirius’s, and Sirius slipped his hand smoothly up Remus’s t-shirt, running it over his bare chest. Remus started breathing deeply as he could feel Sirius’s cock start to harden against his arse. Oh. So THAT’S what he wants.

Remus liked to think of himself as a logical person. Someone who actually thinks things through rather than diving in head first (unlike _certain_ others). But maybe that was bullshit, because he had made plenty of bad decisions in his time. And he was quite sure that _this_ was going to be one of them, but it never occurred to him for even a second not to do it. Besides, even if he wanted to put a stop to it, he wasn’t sure he would be physically able to. Not with his traitorous body responding so wonderfully to Sirius’s lips on his skin.

Sirius had started trailing gentle kisses up Remus's neck and Remus was only vaguely aware that he had started panting, because he was FAR too distracted by Sirius’s hand slowly sliding downwards…

"Oh, Sirius..."

Remus heard the words escape from his mouth, all throaty and full of desire and pure sex. Sirius evidently thought so too as he let out a low growl and bit down on Remus’s neck again while he plunged his hand into Remus’s underwear.

FUCK this was intense. Remus had done all this and much more before, but it had never had such a profound effect on him as this was doing. He didn’t know if it was a full moon thing, or maybe just the result of having low-key fancied Sirius for SO LONG, but GOD Sirius touching him and kissing him and breathing heavily into his ear and pressing into him... FUCK, it was almost too much.

Remus rolled over and planted his lips (none too gently) on Sirius’s, delving his tongue deeply into Sirius’s mouth. He didn’t feel remotely tired anymore. He pulled Sirius’s shirt off, over his head, parting their lips for the briefest of seconds and then launching back into it with renewed ferocity. Sirius was tugging on Remus’s shirt so he discarded that too, pressing himself into Sirius after doing so. GOD the feel of his skin on Remus’s was SO good. He wanted everything Sirius had to give, and more.

Sirius evidently wanted to give it to him. He pushed Remus’s pyjama bottoms down, sitting up to strip off his own trousers as Remus kicked them off over his ankles. Fuck, never in his wildest dreams did he imagine he would ever be lucky enough to have a _naked_ Sirius Black in his bed. Remus almost didn’t know what he wanted to do with him. _Almost_.

He wished that he could say it was smooth and sensual and all those other sorts of things that well-executed sex is supposed to be, but in reality it was frantic and desperate and over FAR too quickly. In spite of that though – maybe even BECAUSE of that – it was definitely the best sex that Remus had ever had in his life. He was still panting heavily and seeing stars as he gently pulled out and collapsed down on Sirius’s chest.

"Mmmm, Moony, you're beautiful" Sirius purred, running his hands messily through Remus’s hair and kissing the top of his head.

“You too” Remus replied hazily, kissing Sirius’s chest.

-

Remus was woken up again in the early hours of the morning by Sirius gently nudging him.

“Moony” he said softly.

“Hmm?”

“You’re pressing down on my bladder…”

“Wha…?”

Sirius chuckled lightly and extricated himself from underneath Remus with difficulty. Remus flickered his eyes open and upon realising what he was trying to do, rolled sideways off of him.

“Sorry” he muttered sleepily.

Sirius merely smiled affectionately and then wandered off to the bathroom, not bothering to put any clothes on. Remus watched him go appreciatively, and then looked around the empty dorm. James and Peter had probably opted to sleep in the common room. Did they know that Sirius was coming back here to have sex with Remus? Had that been the plan all along?

Remus tried very hard to keep his overactive brain at bay, but the questions were starting to creep in. What did this _mean_? Where did they go from here? Was this a one time thing, or was it the _start_ of something?  What did James and Peter know about it? What did Sirius actually _want_? Come to think of it, what did _Remus_ want?

It’s not like he hadn’t thought about it. Of course he fucking had. But it always seemed so impossible, there was no point in preparing for if it happened. Because it wouldn’t. But now that it had, Remus really wasn’t sure what to do.

Obviously the situation was fraught with complications. They were best friends for one thing, and Remus didn’t want anything to change that. And there was the fact that Remus was A FUCKING WEREWOLF to consider. It’s not like they could ever have anything resembling a normal relationship. Not that it would matter to Sirius, probably. He didn’t exactly _do_ normal.

Sirius Black… Remus could fill several novels with his thoughts on the complexities of Sirius. Everyone thought he was so cool, because he projected this haughty and aloof façade and acted like he didn’t really care about anything. But anyone who really knew him, knew that he cared very deeply, and Remus knew that all he had ever wanted was for someone to care about him. He was a fiercely loyal and protective friend, and he was kind and loving to those he felt deserved it. He was great fun, in an unpredictable and slightly volatile way. He rarely took anything seriously, and he was bloody annoying at times. Much like Prongs. But unlike Prongs he was also somewhat self-destructive and there was a (not particularly well hidden) darkness in him that Remus didn’t know what to make of. It burst out of him sometimes and slightly scared all of them. On the rare occasion that Remus saw Sirius legitimately confront his feelings, it was obvious that he was tortured and raw. But Remus knew that this was why he just _got_ Remus, on a fundamental level, like no-one else did. James acted like Remus’s condition was something akin to a mild form of asthma, and Peter abruptly changed the subject if ever anyone started to get slightly sad about it. But Sirius didn’t do either of those things. Sirius understood what it is to live with a terrible secret. And to be _damaged_.

But that didn’t mean that they were good for each other. In fact, maybe it meant exactly the opposite. But maybe this was why they were inexplicably drawn to each other. Maybe this had always been inevitable. 

And if Remus was _really_ honest with himself, he had wanted it for a very long time.

Sirius returned from the bathroom and got back in bed, scooping Remus up in his broad arms and kissing his forehead.

“Hmmm, I want to stay here like this forever” he said quietly.

“Oh yeah?” Remus replied hopefully.

“Yeah” Sirius said decisively. “That OK with you?”

“Yeah” Remus replied. His heart was beating very fast. Had he basically just agreed to go out with Sirius Black?

“Good.” Sirius kissed him again. “That’s what I was trying to say earlier, by the way.”

“That you want to stay in my bed forever?”

“Only if you’re in it too.”

“Hmm. We might need to leave it occasionally though. You know, for meals and things. Bathroom breaks. Maybe the odd class.”

“I suppose” Sirius started running his hands gently through Remus’s hair. He clearly liked doing that.

“Hey, Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a really good shag.”

Sirius laughed.

“Well, I suppose I’d say the same about you. Nothing like I expected though.”

“Let me guess” Remus said, drily. “You thought I’d be _shy_?”

“Well I certainly didn’t expect you to be so… take charge…”

Remus laughed.

“Never judge a book by its cover, Pads.”

“I don’t know why I bother making any assumptions about you at all” Sirius chuckled. “You always surprise me.”

“Well, you fucking surprised ME tonight” Remus smirked. “I was just lying in bed, minding my own business…”

“Oh please, Remus, if you opened your bloody eyes you would have seen that I’ve been pining over you for weeks” Sirius said, good naturedly.

Remus was rather taken aback by this information, and pulled his head back to look at Sirius, who looked a little bashful. A few things slotted into place as he thought about it.

“Oh, of course… You weren’t jealous of ME, you were jealous, of _Joe_ …”

“Hmm, _Joe_ …” Sirius frowned. “Is this the bastard who deflowered you?”

Remus smiled. It was strangely sweet, that Sirius was so possessive. He kissed Sirius gently on the lips.

“Well I would have let YOU do it, but I didn’t _know_ , did I?” Remus smirked.

“Really?” Sirius seemed surprised. “You would have?” Remus felt a little embarrassed now.

“Well, yeah…” he shrugged. “I mean, it would have been awkward as hell, I wouldn’t have known what I was doing… It definitely wouldn’t have been as mind blowing as last night was” he smiled. “But yeah. I would have.”

Sirius placed a gentle hand on the side of Remus’s face, his eyes full of emotion. Remus felt embarrassed again. It wasn’t THAT big of a deal.

“That’s so… you’re _lovely_ , you know that?” Sirius said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Remus felt himself blush. He had definitely never heard himself described as _lovely_ before. He kissed Sirius again, more to stop him _looking_ at him like that than for any other reason. Sirius pulled Remus closer and deepened the kiss, his hand still cradling Remus’s cheek.

“You’re perfect” Sirius whispered as their lips parted.


	9. Disaster

James had thought that Sirius and Remus finally having a bloody good shag and getting it out of their system would break that _tension_ there had been between them for the past couple of months. But he was wrong. Now that they were shagging, the sexual tension had actually INCREASED tenfold. They were both doing their best to act _normally_ , but their interaction with each other was so stiff and forced that James constantly felt like he’d interrupted something.

They do know that I know, right? he wondered. Because so far all day they’d been acting as though nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever had happened last night. They had both been fully dressed and ready to go to class when James and Peter had re-entered the dorm this morning, and had given no indication that anything had changed between them. But Remus had bloody teeth marks all over his neck and Sirius was grinning his head off. Not to mention that James kept catching Sirius making eyes at Remus, who looked somewhat bashful but very pleased.

“Jesus, _please_ tell me I don’t look like that when I’m talking to Lily” James muttered to Peter, as they walked between classes. Sirius and Remus were walking side by side a little ahead of them and Sirius had just said something that made Remus laugh. Sirius was watching him laugh with a look of wonder in his eyes and a general aura of soppiness James would never have considered possible from his best mate.

“Oh no, you’re much worse” Peter grinned. “But I think we should take a moment to appreciate that Moony is too shy for public displays of affection, don’t you think? God, imagine how much worse it would be if they were BOTH as bad as Sirius.”

“Hah!” James said. “Yeah, you’re right there. Small mercies.”

“Do you think Remus was faking being ill yesterday, to get him alone?” Peter mused thoughtfully. “He seems fine today.”

James doubted that. Remus _hated_ it when the moon made him sick and would vehemently soldier through whenever he could – sometimes even running to the loo in between classes to throw up. He also hated getting special treatment from anyone about it.

“Well, a decent shag will do that, I suppose” James shrugged, laughing as Peter spluttered in response to this.

“God it’s weird” he muttered James gave him a sharp look and he backtracked a little. “I mean, it’s good, for them, I guess. I’m happy for them… it’s just… it’s weird to think of your mate _doing_ your other mate, isn’t it?”

James hadn’t really thought of it like that before. Yes, it certainly was weird when you put it like that.

“It’s best not to think about _that_ part of it too much” James advised him. “Just imagine them holding hands or something…”

-

That night, the full moon started as it always did. Remus went down the shack alone, Pomfrey watching him carefully from the castle, through the window. About ten minutes later, when they were sure she’d gone back to the hospital wing, James, Sirius and Peter approached the whomping willow under the invisibility cloak. Peter changed into his animagus form and scurried under the branches to press the knot that would freeze the tree. James and Sirius carefully stepped through the branches (still under the cloak) and slipped into the passageway.

Remus had already shut himself in the bedroom by the time they reached the shack. He was embarrassed by how much he had unravelled in front of them the first full moon they had spent together, and hadn’t greeted them before the event ever since. James’s conscience squirmed a little with guilt as he admitted to himself that he preferred it this way too. He wanted to help Moony, and be there for him, he really did. But god, it had been _terrible_ to watch.

Peter was still in rat form, scurrying around on the floor, sniffing at something. James watched him, a little puzzled. He seemed to be searching for something, zig-zagging across the floor, slowly working his way over to the door to the tunnel.

“Wormy, what’s up?” he asked, but the rat ignored him, continuing to sniff.

Sirius walked over to where Peter was now sticking his nose under the doorway. He looked at James in confusion, then made to open the door to look on the other side. But Peter suddenly transformed back and put both hands on the door preventing him from doing so. He turned, ashen faced, to James.

“There’s someone in the passageway” he hissed.

“What?” James said sharply. He had heard him alright, but it couldn’t possibly be true.

“I can smell them” Peter looked terrified. James looked to Sirius to see what he made of this, and to his horror the blood had drained from Sirius’s face.

“I… I forgot…” Sirius whispered.

There were now cries of pain coming from the room that Remus was in. The transformation had started. James felt panic start to set in.

“Sirius, what did you do?!” he demanded. Sirius was still stood frozen on the spot, one hand on the door. James tried to block out the horrible snapping and screaming coming from Remus and went over to give Sirius a shake.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” he yelled.

“I… I didn’t think… I was going to…” Sirius spluttered, his eyes darting to the door of the room Remus was in

There was now snarling and growling coming from the other room. They had run out of time.

“SIRIUS!” James yelled, shaking him even more fiercely.

“Snape” Sirius choked out, and James released him abruptly.

“You TOLD him?!”

“I… I…” Sirius was still incoherent. The wolf was clawing at the door. Peter was yelling something about how they needed to do something. James’s head was spinning.

“FUCK” James shouted. The wolf was howling now. “Sirius – YOU need to handle Moony. NO, GO NOW” he yelled, as Sirius showed signs of disagreeing. The doorway to the room Remus was in was shuddering ominously as the wolf was apparently throwing itself into it and James didn’t know how much longer it would hold.

“I’m sorry” Sirius pleaded, before abruptly changing into his dog form and padding over to the doorway, which seemed to calm the wolf a little. James turned to Peter, who looked incredibly grateful that someone was taking charge of the situation.

“You stay here, keep an eye on things” James told him, authoritatively. Peter nodded, but looked apprehensively at the door to the tunnel.

“I’ll handle it” James told him, and Peter nodded again, taking his rat form. James marched out into the tunnel, and found Severus Snape loitering a little beyond the doorway.

“Severus, you shouldn’t be here” James told him seriously. Snape merely sneered at him.

“Trying to be a hero, Potter?”

“I mean it” James said, frowning. “It’s dangerous, we need to get out of here.”

“You don’t fool me, Potter” Snape scowled. “You just don’t want me uncovering your little _secret_. Well it’s too late for that, Black as good as confirmed it already.”

James heard the bedroom door fly open in the shack behind him, and the snarling grew louder. Padfoot was barking loudly, James knew that he was trying to hold the wolf off. James started to panic again. He grabbed Snape by the wrist and tried to pull him down the passageway back towards the castle, but Snape yanked it away from him.

“Unhand me!” he snarled. However, there was no time to argue the point, as at that moment the door to the passageway flew open. Snape jumped back, colliding with James, who had to grab the back of his robes to stop himself falling over. The wolf was snapping it’s jaws and trying to get through the door, but was being held back by the large black dog who was biting down on the scruff of its neck. The rat scurried through underneath them, squealing loudly. Snape appeared to be frozen on the spot, wide eyes and looking terrified.

“SNAPE, MOVE! NOW!” James screamed, trying to pull him, away again. But Snape seemed to be incapable of movement. The wolf’s snout was edging closer to them and Padfoot was now growling loudly too, in warning. James could see his grip on the wolf’s neck starting to loosen. Wormtail starting biting Snape’s ankles and he cried out and kicked at the rat. James tugged on his arm again and this time he seemed to come to his senses. Snape took off running down the tunnel, towards the castle. James ran after him, calling back to Sirius not to let go of Moony until they were clear. He could hear Wormtail running after him, still squeaking, to make sure they got out. James didn’t even want to think about what might happen if Sirius couldn’t hold him. He supposed as a last line of defence he could transform into the stag and prevent the wolf getting to Snape. But then that would be ANOTHER secret out. James felt sick as he realised they were probably all going to be expelled for this anyway, illegal animagi transformations aside.

They reached the end of the tunnel and James turned round to look anxiously behind him as Snape scrambled out through the hole. The rat was behind him, but no-one else and James breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Go back, and make sure they stay in the shack” James told Peter quietly. “I’m serious, NO going out tonight.” The rat gave a squeak and then disappeared back down the tunnel. James hauled himself out of the hole after Snape, who was collapsed on the ground just outside the tree’s reach, panting heavily and clutching a stitch in his side.

“Are you okay?” James asked, collapsing down himself next to Snape. He was little out of breath too.

“Where did the dog come from?” Snape asked. James ignored the question.

“And where the hell is Black? Not even man enough to face me himself…”

“Never mind that” James dismissed him. “Severus, look, this all got WAY out of hand tonight-“

“Spare me the speech Potter” Snape snapped, interrupting him. “If you think for one second I’m not going to tell the headmaster about this-“

“Severus PLEASE” James implored. “It isn’t Remus’s fault, it’s just a _condition_. An illness. He would never hurt anyone, you know that.”

Snape laughed cruelly.

“That beast back there would never hurt anyone? That’s what you’re trying to tell me? That it wouldn’t have KILLED me this evening given half the chance?”

“You were never supposed to be there!” James cried. “He’s locked up at the full moon, so he can’t get to anyone.”

“Except for those who _Black_ sends down the tunnel to be its prey!” Snape shot back.

“Look, I don’t know what Sirius told you, but we would never have let-“

“Don’t LIE to me” Snape snarled. “Where the hell _was_ Black tonight? How exactly was he going to stop me from getting killed tonight?”

“He was in the shack” James told him, not quite meeting his eye. “He was making sure the wolf didn’t get out.”

“Liar!” Snape spat. “You think he’s one of you, but blood runs much thicker than water. He’s a Black through and through, I always knew he’d show his true colours eventually. I’m surprised his first _kill_ even took him THIS long.”

“SHUT UP” James roared. He would not stand for anyone talking about his brother like that.

“A bit close to the bone, is it?” Snape sneered. “Congratulations Potter, your best friends are a _werewolf_ and a murderer! And the two of them are in bed together, to boot.” He did that awful cold laugh again.

“SHUT UP” James shouted again. “You have NO idea what you’re talking about!”

“Oh, but I think I do” Snape smirked. “And now I have enough evidence to take to Dumbledore. Even THAT old fool can’t ignore attempted _murder_!”

“Snape, _please”_ James said through gritted teeth, massaging his forehead with his fist. This was frustrating beyond belief. He needed to make Snape _hear_ him.

“Look, you can think what you want about Sirius” James told him, trying his best to keep his voice calm, but it was shaking with anger. “But Remus would never hurt a fly. Jesus Christ, have you SEEN him? He’s a bloody prefect! All he’s ever wanted is to go to this school, and if word gets out about him they’ll throw him out. _Please_ Snape…”

Snape scowled at James for a moment or two, apparently mulling this over.

“Dumbledore already knows about the wolf, of course” Snape said. It wasn’t a question, but James nodded anyway. “I suppose he doesn’t much care, trusting old fool he is. But the board of governors wouldn’t be happy to learn of it I imagine.” He gave James a threatening look, who returned it with a pleading one.

“And Dumbledore knows that you and Black go down there too at the full moon?” Snape asked him. James’s insides squirmed a little.

“Umm, no, not exactly” James said quietly.

“Oh, I see” Snape sneered again. “This is as much about saving your OWN neck as anything else.”

“You’re right Snape” James told him, resignedly. He wasn’t sure that appealing to Snape’s better nature was a worthwhile venture, but he was fast running out of options here. “All three of us would probably be expelled, if you told anyone about this.” At least Snape didn’t know about Peter’s involvement. He was safe, at least. “But you HAVE to believe me, Snape, Remus doesn’t deserve to be thrown out. He didn’t even know anything about this.”

Snape looked very much as though he wanted to argue that point, but he didn’t. He instead scowled suspiciously at James.

“What about you and Black?” he asked, darkly. “YOU deserve it.”

James sighed. “Yeah, maybe we do” he said quietly. Snape scowled even more.

“How _noble_ ” he sneered. “You’d be willing to get expelled, to protect your wolf friend?”

“Yeah, I would” James said, without hesitation. Snape looked surprised.

“Gryffindor” he scoffed. “Idiots, all of you.”

James shrugged.

“To you I imagine it looks that way” he said, not looking at Snape.

They sat side by side in silence for a long time. James knew that Snape was weighing up the relative benefits of having James and Sirius expelled, or keeping this secret and having such a massive amount of leverage over them. James took it as an encouraging sign that Snape wasn’t running off to the headmaster’s office right now, although he didn’t even want to imagine what Snape might blackmail them into doing if he DID agree to keep their secret.

“I did my best to get you out of there tonight” James said quietly, breaking the silence. Snape frowned at him. “Does that not count for anything?”

Snape’s scowl deepened again. The fact that he didn’t retort meant that it did. James felt cautiously hopeful.

“Alright” Snape said finally. “I will keep your _dirty_ little secret.”

“THANK YOU” James gushed, a wave of relief sweeping over him. “Honestly, Snape, We’ll never-“

“ONE CONDITION” Snape interrupted. James eyed him warily. The edges of his mouth were curling into a smirk. “YOU stay away from Lily.”

“Evans?”

Snape nodded curtly, smiling at the obvious shock on James’s face. James let this horrible thought sink in.

“You don’t ask her out. You don’t give her gifts. You don’t speak to her. You don’t even LOOK at her. Never again” Snape said.

“Snape, you can’t-“ James started, but Snape cut him, off again.

“Those are my terms Potter, take it or leave it.”

James wanted to reason with Snape, to ask him for something – ANYTHING – else. But he knew that Snape would never go for it. In a way, this was the perfect punishment for Snape to exact on him. James knew that Snape had that weird obsession with Lily, and keeping James away from her was a win-win for him. Making sure that James was miserable while at the same time enabling himself to worm in closer to her. The thought made James feel sick. But there was nothing for it. He didn’t have a choice in the matter.

“OK” he agreed quietly.

Snape looked at him suspiciously.

“I will _know_ , if you go back on your word” he threatened. “And if you do so, not only will I tell the headmaster what Black did, but I will insist that you were involved also. AND I will write to the school board about the wolf.”

James nodded. He knew that Snape was serious.

Snape smirked at him, standing up and looking down at him triumphantly.

“Well Potter, you’re quite the _hero”_ he said, looking amused. “I’m sure that your friends will appreciate your noble sacrifice. But I’d keep those two on a tighter leash from now on, if I were you, because I certainly won’t be so forgiving next time.”

And with that, he stalked off towards the castle. James sat where he was on the grass for a long time thinking about what had just happened and felt like his world was falling apart.


	10. Fallout

It had been a bad moon. The wolf getting so close to Snape and James and then being denied the chance to bite them had made it very angry, and it had done it’s very best to tear both itself and Sirius apart afterwards. Sirius had tried to keep it under control, but Remus was unconscious when he transformed back, and bleeding profusely from several different places. Sirius and Peter had gravely tried to patch him up – they managed to stop the worst of the bleeding at least. Sirius had refused to leave Remus’s side, so Peter had waited in the tunnel in rat form for Madame Pomfrey to come, running back to warn Sirius when she was approaching. The two of them hid in the bedroom while Pomfrey worked on Remus for a little while before conjuring a stretcher to take him back up to the castle.

Sirius was now sat by Remus’s bed in the hospital wing holding onto his hand. He was still unconscious, but Madam Pomfrey had assured Sirius that he would be alright. Sirius wouldn’t believe it until Remus opened his eyes. This was all his fault. He couldn’t believe he had forgotten about Snape. He was such a fucking idiot. He had put all of their lives at risk. And he had put Remus’s secret at risk. And Remus had hurt himself.

Sirius was covered in deep scratches and bruises himself, but it was nothing compared to Remus. Besides, Sirius was no stranger to these sorts of injuries. He had hastily applied some ditanny to the worst of the cuts and brushed off Pomfrey’s questions about the scratches on his hands and face, telling her he was attacked by a cat.

“You’d better be getting to class soon” she told him casually, as she came over to feel Remus’s forehead, jotting something down on her notepad.

“Can’t I stay here?” he asked.

“Remus is _fine_ ” Pomfrey replied in a bored voice, not looking up from her notebook. “He just needs some rest. You can come back and see him at lunchtime.”

“I want to stay with him” Sirius replied, firmly. Pomfrey looked up in surprise. She looked for a moment as though she was going to tell him off, but appeared to soften at the expression on his face. Sirius hastily rearranged his features to try and look less pathetic.

“Please?” he added, softly.

Pomfrey smiled at him. She was young witch, probably only a few years out of Healing school, and she had quite a soft spot for Remus. Sirius supposed that was inevitable, what with him being in here so much - the two of them were on first name terms and everything. Sirius was no stranger to her either, between all the fights he got into, the pranks that had gone wrong, and of course, visiting Remus. But Sirius knew that her affinity for Remus was the only reason she had let him in the hospital wing this morning in the first place, since it technically wasn’t visiting hours. He looked worriedly down at Remus again, hoping this would help his case.

“Oh, all right” she said quietly. “But only until he wakes up. And you’re going to let me give you something for those scratches.”

She wandered off and returned with a bottle of potion and a clean cloth, which she dripped some of the potion onto and dabbed at his face.

“Don’t think I believed that cat story for a second” she smirked as she did so. Sirius gave her a genuine smile, feeling a burning sensation in his scratches.

“Was it the willow?” she asked quietly, moving onto the scratches on his hands. It took Sirius a minute to work out what she was talking about.

“Yes” he said, jumping on the excuse. “I just wanted to make sure he was OK. You know, after the…”

“That’s very sweet” she said, looking furtively around to make sure they wouldn’t be overheard. The hospital wing was empty except for the three of them. “But you know you shouldn’t go down there. Not even AFTER he’s changed back. It could be very dangerous.”

“Yeah well…” Sirius didn’t like lying to her when she was being so nice like this. “That’s what the tree’s there for, isn’t it?”

“Good to see it’s doing its job” she smiled.

-

James came up to the hospital wing about ten minutes later, looking thunderous.

“Prongs” Sirius stood up and walked over to greet him as he strode into the room. Remus was still asleep and Sirius didn’t want to disturb him. Madam Pomfrey had gone back into her office. “Why aren’t you in Herbology?” he asked.

“Why aren’t YOU in Herbology?!” James snapped. Sirius was rather taken aback.

“Because Moony nearly bloody killed himself last night” he retorted angrily. He didn’t appreciate James’s tone right now after everything they’d been through. “Where the hell _were_ you? We could have used your help, you know.”

“I was sorting out YOUR mess, that’s where I was!” James was raising his voice now and Sirius cast a worried look in the direction of Pomfrey’s office. He dragged James outside into the corridor, where he could yell if he wanted to.

“I’m sorry” Sirius said abruptly, once they were outside the door. “It was a stupid thing for me to do. I forgot that I’d done it.”

“You FORGOT that you sold us ALL out to _Snape_?” James demanded.

“Don’t be like that, Prongs” Sirius replied. “Yes, I forgot, I’ve had _quite a lot_ going on lately remember?”

“Oh I’m SORRY” James sounded hysterical. Sirius didn’t know what to do. “I FORGOT that jumping into bed with Moony turned you into a FUCKING IDIOT!”

“THAT’S ENOUGH” Sirius yelled back. “Don’t you dare fucking say it like that. _Jumping into bed_ , like it’s fucking nothing.”

“I don’t give a shit about your fucking LOVE LIFE right now, Sirius” James snapped. “Do you know that Snape was all ready to go running to Dumbledore and tell him what you did? Do you know that he threatened to write to the school board about Remus? Do you know that it’s only because of ME that all three of us aren’t EXPELLED right now?”

“But we’re NOT expelled, are we?” Sirius said, trying to inject some reason into the conversation. “I knew you could handle it, James.”

“So that was your plan all along, was it?” James asked, darkly. “To have ME sort it all out, while you fucking piss around with Moony.”

“DO YOU EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?” Sirius yelled. He was angry now, but he had to lower his voice so no-one would overhear. “He lost so much blood James, he was unconscious when he changed back” Sirius hissed. “It was all we could do to stop the bleeding before Pomfrey got there. He STILL hasn’t woken up. Oh and I got beat up pretty bad too, thanks for asking!”

“You look fine to me” James scowled. Sirius felt like wringing his neck. How could he care so little?

“Because Pomfrey fucking patched ME up too, that’s why” Sirius retorted. “And I’m SORRY you had to deal with Snape, I AM Prongs, I would take it back if I could. But don’t you fucking come in here and tell me that MY night was all fucking sunshine and rainbows, because Remus nearly DIED.” Sirius’s voice broke on the last word and James’s expression softened, just for a second. Sirius cleared his throat, trying to pull himself together. “Don’t you care about that at all?”

“Of course I care about that” James replied, his tone outraged. “Of course I fucking do, you’re not the only one who cares about Remus you know. But don’t you fucking brush off what you did like it’s no big deal because there are _consequences_ Sirius. Do you understand that?”

The emphasis that James put on the word _consequences_ caught Sirius’s attention.

“What do you mean” Sirius asked, seriously, narrowing his eyes.

“What did you think Snape was going to do with this information, Sirius? All he has to do is say the word and we’re all dead. We’re in his fucking pocket now, you understand that, right?”

Sirius understood alright.

“What did you have to do to keep him quiet?” Sirius asked worriedly.

“Oh, so NOW you care-“ James started getting worked up again, but Sirius grabbed hold of his shoulders and forced James to look at him in the face.

“What did you do?” he demanded.

“I promised never to speak to Lily Evans ever again!” James spat at him, looking for all the world like he wanted to deck him. Sirius released him and just stood there. If James wanted to hit him he wouldn’t stop him. But James didn’t. He just stood there, looking resentfully at him.

“I’m sorry” Sirius said quietly. He meant it.

“Are you?” James said angrily.

“Yes, I am” Sirius replied softly.

All the fight seemed to go out of James at this, and he sank miserably down the wall to sit on the floor holding onto his knees. Sirius sat tentatively down next to him.

“It’ll be alright” Sirius muttered. “We’ll think of something…” James shook his head. There was a long silence.

“You’re going to have to tell Remus what you did” James said eventually.

“I know” Sirius replied flatly.

“Sooner, rather than later” James added. “It’s better he hears it from you.”

Sirius nodded. He knew James was right, but he didn’t know how he was possibly going to have that conversation. Not when things were finally right between him and Remus. How could he possibly tell him how badly he had fucked everything up?

-

James had been shocked and horrified to see the state that Remus was in, when he accompanied Sirius back into the hospital wing after their argument. He apparently hadn’t even looked at Remus when he had come storming in here earlier, on the warpath. But he was looking at him now, and Sirius knew he was sorry for the things he had just said. Sorry for not being there last night.

“Sirius… I…”

“It’s alright James” Sirius muttered. He didn’t need to hear it. The way James was looking at Remus right now was enough of an apology.

Remus was pale. He was always pale, but this was much worse than usual. He almost looked as though there was no blood left in his body. There had been a few broken bones, which Pomfrey had fixed easily enough, but Remus was wrapped heavily in bandages still. But the worst of it was the huge gash on the side of his face, that was clearly going to leave a very visible scar. Remus was going to hate it. And Sirius would always know that it was his fault it was there.

“You two can’t both be here” Madam Pomfrey said, as she bustled over carrying a bottle of dark red potion that said ‘Sanguiria - blood replenishing’ on the label.

Sirius gave her a pleading look, but she didn’t give in this time.

“The headmaster would have my head if he found out I was letting both of you skive off lessons in here” she said sternly. Sirius doubted that very much, Dumbledore wasn’t exactly a heartless dictator. But he could see her point.

“It’s alright, I’ll go” James said, eyeing the potion in her hands warily. “He will be OK, won’t he?”

Pomfrey sighed, but her tone was quite kind as she replied, bending over Remus and carefully pouring the potion into his mouth, bit by bit to make sure he didn’t choke on it.

“As I have told Mr Black here already about a hundred times, Remus will be just fine. I’ll need to keep him in for a couple of days, but this is nothing we haven’t seen before. He’ll be back on his feet in no time.”

“Thanks” James said gratefully, clapping a hand on Sirius’s shoulder and then leaving. Sirius stayed where he was.

“How long until he wakes up, do you think?” he asked Pomfrey. She looked at her watch.

“Hmm, hard to say. His body definitely needs some rest. Maybe in an hour or two.” She gave Sirius a stern look. “Don’t you go waking him up before he’s ready.”

“I won’t, I promise” Sirius held his hands up as if in surrender. She smiled at him in a slightly amused sort of way and walked off again, leaving Sirius alone with Remus again. Sirius took his seat again the chair next to Remus’s bed, gently stroking his hair.

“I’m so sorry, Moons” he whispered.

-

It was a full three days before Madam Pomfrey let Remus out of the hospital wing. Remus had seemed perfectly fine by day two, and privately voiced the opinion to Sirius that she was a bit overly-cautious about these things, but he hadn’t argued with her and had stayed the extra night. Sirius had spent practically every waking moment by his side. Madame Pomfrey had eventually stopped letting him in the hospital wing outside of visiting hours, clearly getting annoyed by his constant stream of questions about Remus’s wellbeing. But Sirius’s spirits weren’t dampened in the slightest. He had even shown up on Sunday morning with a bunch of flowers for her, shamelessly trying to charm his way in. She had unceremoniously told him to sod off.

Sirius still hadn’t told Remus about Snape, as the hospital wing hardly seemed the place to do so. Remus wasn’t an idiot though, he knew there had to be a reason why the wolf had torn itself to shreds this month. And Sirius knew that Remus could tell he was being evasive about it. And he knew they were going to have to have that conversation tonight, when Remus was back in the dorm. If for no other reason than to explain James’s behaviour. James was still in one hell of a strop about the whole thing and had taken to giving Sirius a dead arm every time Lily walked past them. Which Sirius accepted without question, as it seemed fair enough, really. They were waiting outside the Potions classroom, and Sirius was brooding over what on earth he was going to tell Remus (absent-mindedly massaging the arm that James had just punched) when Lily flounced past them again.

“Remus!” Sirius heard her cry, and whipped his head around. Remus had said he wouldn’t be out until lunchtime, but he was indeed behind them. He was looking pleasantly surprised as Lily hugged him. Sirius was a little surprised too. He knew they were friendly, but he didn’t think they were huggers.

“Are you alright?” she asked, stepping back, looking a little embarrassed by her outburst. “What happened to your face?” Remus’s smile dropped immediately, and Lily started to backtrack. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I just meant, are you OK?”

“I got clawed by a Hippogriff” Remus said, loudly enough so that everyone in the vicinity who was clearly looking interested could hear. It was an excuse he and Sirius had cooked up together in the hospital wing. It was obvious that a lot of people were going to ask about it, since there was no hiding it. And the jagged edges made it clear that the mark had been made by an animal of some sort.

“A hippogriff?” some random Slytherin asked, sceptically.

“Yes, a hippogriff, I was helping Professor Kettleburn round them up for Care of Magical Creatures. You know, extra credit…”

Sirius was impressed by how much Remus’s lying had come along these past few years. He sounded totally convincing. The entire story was a fabrication of course. Professor Kettleburn _did_ currently have a paddock of Hippogriffs that he was having the sixth years study, but Remus had had no involvement in containing them. As a matter of fact, during their last Creatures lesson he gave them a wide berth. They didn’t seem to trust him at all, as though they could sense the wolf in him somehow. The unicorns had been exactly the same.

“Oh wow” Lily said. “That’s crazy. Are you alright though?”

Sirius remembered that Lily was in on Remus’s furry little secret, and had to give her credit for just going along with this stupid story when she was clearly intelligent enough to see right through it, even if she HADN’T known about Remus.

“Yeah, I’m fine” Remus sighed. “Didn’t get to the hospital wing quick enough to prevent the scarring.”

“That’ll fade over time though” Lily said kindly. Remus smiled warmly at her. Again, Sirius felt his respect for her rise. She was pretty good at this. Perhaps he had underestimated her. James punched him painfully in the arm again and he gasped. The sound caught Lily’s attention and she turned to them.

“You two should keep a closer eye on your friend” she said, her tone light and jokey, but her expression suggesting that she really meant it. “Getting savaged by a Hippogriff, can you imagine?” She patted Remus on the shoulder and walked back past Sirius and James to her friends. “Seriously, isn’t it your job to take care of him?” she muttered to them as she walked past. James gave her half a smile, but then abruptly looked down at the floor, apparently remembering his promise to Snape, who was indeed watching this whole exchange with beady eyes. Sirius gave him a middle finger and he scowled. James punched Sirius in the arm for a third time.

“Will you STOP that” Sirius said irritably, rubbing his bicep again as Remus joined them.

“What’s up with you two?” he asked, suspiciously.

“Nothing” Sirius replied, unconvincingly. But before Remus could call him out on it, Slughorn opened the door and told them all to come inside.

Today the classroom was set up such that there should be four students to a table. James, Sirius and Remus chose one near the back. They were joined, to everyone’s surprise, by Snape.

“I think you’ve got the wrong table, Snape” James said to him coldly, as he slid into a seat next to him.

“Oh, I don’t think so” Snape replied, smirking. “I think we have some things to discuss, don’t you?”

Sirius felt his stomach lurch. Oh no. This wasn’t good.

“We can talk about them later Snape, now is NOT a good time” Sirius hissed at him.

Snape was about to retort when Slughorn called the class to order and started talking about veritaserum. Snape carefully waited until Slughorn was in his stride, pacing happily around the room and droning on before he spoke again.

“I think we need to revisit the terms of our agreement” Snape whispered to James, who balled his hands into fists.

Sirius watched with narrowed eyes. He chanced a glance at Remus, who looked confused.

“I’m doing what you asked” James replied through gritted teeth.

“And as wonderful as it was to see your fat ego take such a hit, it’s not good enough I’m afraid” Snape hissed. “I don’t want ANY of you anywhere near her. Got it?”

“That wasn’t the deal” James snapped.

“Well I’m changing the deal” Snape retorted. “Don’t forget, I’M the one holding all the cards here. So you’d best keep your _wolf_ friend away from her too.”

“Don’t you fucking start that again” Sirius snarled, as Remus turned white and looked vaguely like he was going to throw up. Sirius grabbed his hand under the table and tried to give it a reassuring squeeze, but Remus pulled it away.

“What deal?” Remus asked, his voice shaking slightly. “James, what is he talking about?”

“We’ll talk about it later Remus” Sirius implored, but Remus ignored him.

“What fucking deal, Severus?” he demanded. Snape looked like Christmas had come early.

“Oh, so they haven’t told you? Can’t say I’m surprised, I wouldn’t want to have to tell MY friend that they almost killed someone.”

“Shut up!” Sirius hissed. Slughorn stopped and looked their way.

“Mr Black and Mr Snape, at it again?” he said sternly, walking over to their table. “Your detentions last week clearly didn’t do the trick, so let’s have some more shall we? And I want YOU over there” he pointed at Snape and then at the far side of the classroom. “And YOU, over there” he pointed at Sirius and then to the front of the class.

Snape scowled and did as he was told. Sirius opened his mouth to try and argue his case, but Remus stood up abruptly.

“Sir, I’m not feeling well, can I be excused?” he said quickly. It was certainly believable enough, what little colour there had been in his face had drained at Snape’s words. Slughorn looked rather wrong-footed.

“Not well, you say? Oh… yes, yes, of course, off you go… Now, Mr Black –“

“I’m sorry sir, I have to go too” Sirius replied, dashing off after Remus who had bolted out of the door, not even taking his bag.

“Now wait a minute young man…” Slughorn spluttered, but Sirius paid no attention. He didn’t care if he got a thousand detentions, NO WAY was he going to let Remus just run off after that. He ran at top speed out of the classroom. Remus had disappeared – he was fast when he wanted to be. Sirius wagered he was probably going to throw up though, so he ran to the nearest bathroom. He was half right, Remus was in here. But he wasn’t being sick. He was crying.

This was only the second time Sirius had ever seen him cry. He didn’t know what to do. It was horrible.

Remus was a messy crier. He held it in for so long that when it burst out of him it was like a tidal wave. Tears were pouring continuously out of his eyes, his nose was dripping, his breathing was heavy and ragged, his shoulders moving up and down with the effort of it. And these awful, painful-sounding sobs burst out of him. It sounded like his heart was breaking.

Sirius walked tentatively over and put a hand on his shoulder, but Remus slapped it away.

“DON’T TOUCH ME” he snarled. Sirius jumped back in alarm. He hadn’t known Remus was capable of such aggression.

“I’m sorry” he said quietly, holding his hands up as he slowly backed away.

“How could you… How could you NOT tell me?” Remus choked out. “How could you let me just walk around, not knowing?”

“Remus, I swear to god, NOTHING happened” Sirius told him seriously. “You DIDN’T attack anyone. We would never let that happen. Snape is being a dick.”

“DON’T LIE TO ME” Remus snapped. Sirius really didn’t know what to do. “I knew SOMETHING had happened, I knew there was something you weren’t telling me…”

“I was GOING to tell you Remus, I WAS. Tonight. I didn’t think you’d be in class this morning. I didn’t think Snape would… FUCK I’m going to beat him to a fucking pulp…”

“Don’t you fucking blame Snape for this!” Remus said dangerously. “You tell me what happened right fucking now Sirius!”

“Can we… Can we sit down at least?” Sirius asked weakly. Remus shook his head fiercely.

“NO we fucking can’t. You better tell me what happened Sirius, or I swear…”

What he would actually do if Sirius didn’t comply Sirius didn’t know, but he didn’t feel that Remus was to be tested right now. So he told him everything. He started with how Snape had been making all those cracks about Remus to him (without telling him the details of what Snape had actually said, because even though he wanted to be honest with Remus he still wanted to spare his feelings). He told Remus how he had told Snape how to get into the passage. How that evening he and Remus had finally gotten together and it had driven everything else from his mind. About how Peter had discovered Snape in the passageway and James had pulled him out of there while Sirius held Remus back. About how Remus had torn himself up afterwards. And about how Snape had promised to keep their secret in exchange for James (and now apparently Remus too) staying away from Lily. He even told Remus about his fight with James outside the hospital wing, and how he promised he would tell Remus what he did. But he was waiting for the right time.

“And you didn’t think the right time would be BEFORE Snape threw it in my face, in Potions of all fucking places?!” Remus cried.

“I told you, I didn’t know you’d be in class today!”

There was a pause, in which Remus turned away. He was still crying and Sirius wanted more than anything to comfort him, but he didn’t dare approach him again.

“I’m _sorry_ …” Sirius said.

“DON’T” Remus snapped. Sirius shut up immediately. Remus turned back around to him.

“Do you realise what you’ve done?” Remus asked darkly. His tone scared Sirius more than anything Remus had said or done so far.

“Yes, I do” Sirius replied, quietly. “Snape could get all three of us expelled at any second. James is furious with me, I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me…”

Remus narrowed his eyes.

“Do you realise what you’ve done to ME?” he asked in that same dangerous voice. Sirius felt genuinely scared.

“I let out your secret. I betrayed your trust. I’m sorry.” The apology seemed woefully inadequate. But there was nothing more Sirius could say.

Remus shook his head.

“Snape already knew, you said. What you did was a thousand times worse than letting out my secret” Remus said in a low voice. Sirius wondered if Remus was about to hit him. He felt like he deserved it. He looked fearfully at Remus, waiting for him to go on.

“You… I COULD have killed him. You understand that right? Or worse, I could have _turned_ him.” Remus was no longer crying. There was a cold look in his eye that Sirius had never seen there before.

“Remus, we’d never have let-“

“SHUT UP” Remus roared, yanking his hand away from Sirius as he tried to grab it. “Shut the fuck up. How many times do I have to tell you? THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME. You don’t KNOW that you would have been able to stop me, if I HAD got hold of him.”

Sirius wanted to argue against that, but he didn’t dare interrupt Remus’s tirade, when he was so clearly unhinged.

“You SAW what the wolf did after coming into contact with a human” he went on. “And so did Snape. Knowing it is one thing Sirius, but SEEING it…” he shook his head violently. “YOU TURNED ME INTO A MONSTER.”

A ringing silence followed. Sirius knew Remus didn’t want to hear anything he had to say right now, but he wouldn’t let that statement lie. He couldn’t.

“You are NOT a monster!” Sirius cried, grabbing Remus by the shoulders and trying to shake some sense into him. “You’re NOT! And I won’t fucking have you thinking that”

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME” Remus screamed, sounding deranged. Sirius released him in shock.

“Don’t you ever fucking speak to me, ever again!” Remus shouted, and ran out of the bathroom. Sirius watched him go, shaken to his core.


	11. Aftermath

“Remus, I’m sorry, _please_ can we talk about it?”

“NO, FUCK OFF.”

“ _Moony_ , just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

“FUCK OFF!”

“ _Please_ , I’ll do anything…”

“I mean it Sirius, if you don’t fuck off I’m going to stun you again.”

Sirius looked like he would be willing to take this, in exchange for saying to Remus whatever it was he wanted to say (more meaningless apologies, probably). But fortunately James pulled him away at this point, leaving Remus to continue stalking miserably down the corridor on his way to the library.

The past few days had been excruciating. Remus was flat out refusing to speak to Sirius because he absolutely could NOT forgive him for what he had done. But not speaking to Sirius was somewhat difficult, when the two of them shared a room and half of their classes. Not to mention the fact that Sirius was hounding him everywhere he went, trying to get Remus to speak to him again. As if it would do any good. As if there were anything he could possibly say anyway to make it better. Twice already Remus had stunned Sirius, who was refusing to take no for an answer – once in the common room and once in the great hall. James was running a reasonable amount of interference, trying his best to keep Sirius away from an increasingly irate Remus. But he wasn’t doing this because he in any way agreed with what Remus was doing, he was just trying to prevent their fight from escalating. As if it could get any fucking worse. Peter was bloody useless as always, staying well out of it and refusing to give an opinion.

James was trying to play peacekeeper of course. He kept trying to reason with Remus and to persuade him to forgive Sirius. Remus couldn’t see right now how he ever could. During the day Remus was bubbling over with rage, wanting to smash everything in his path and scream until his voice gave out. During the night the anger was replaced with this horrible sense of betrayal and loss, and he just cried and cried.

James at least agreed with him that what Sirius had done was terrible. James hadn’t exactly forgiven Sirius himself, and was still pummelling him every now and then, when the mood struck him. But the two of them seemed to be good friends, still. With Remus and Sirius it was not so simple. Even if he beat Sirius to within an inch of his life, Remus didn’t think the anger would go away. He didn’t want to physically hurt Sirius anyway. That wouldn’t have made him feel better at all.

James kept pulling out the counter argument that he had never intended for anyone to get hurt. As though that made it alright. Remus didn’t doubt that Sirius hadn’t wanted anyone to get physically hurt, but it was a small miracle that no-one had. And Remus was plenty fucking hurt, emotionally. Sirius had unleashed the wolf – the feral beast - for all of Remus’s friends to see. And Severus fucking Snape, of all fucking people. Remus felt like his friends were looking at him differently now, now that they knew what he was really capable of. Every time he looked in the mirror he felt like he could see the wolf inside himself more prominently than ever. This wild, animalistic savagery, hidden just behind his eyes. The way Snape had referred to him as ‘ _the wolf_ ’ cut through Remus like a knife. The way Snape had told James to keep Remus away from Lily. As though he was disgusted by the concept of addressing Remus directly himself. And as though Remus posed some sort of threat to Lily. He felt contaminated. Like he ought to be walking around with a biohazard sign stuck on his head.  He kept waking up in the middle of the night screaming, tearing at his hands trying to wash the imaginary blood off.

But Sirius knew none of this of course. Sirius had no idea of the damage he’d caused, because if he had ANY idea what this would do to Remus he never in a million years would have done it.  Remus cast silencing charms on his bed because he knew if Sirius heard the state he was in every night he’d try and comfort him and Remus couldn’t deal with that. Not after everything that happened. Not after such a _betrayal_.

That was the worst part. Maybe if this had happened a few months ago Remus might have found it easier to forgive him. But THAT FUCKING NIGHT they had spent together made everything SO much more complicated. Remus couldn’t even hate Sirius properly for what he’d done, because the resentment was punctuated by the memories of Sirius holding Remus in his arms, and practically weeping over how ‘ _lovely_ ’ he found him. And that was mostly WHY Remus cried at night. Because the only thing he could think of that would make everything better would be to have Sirius in his bed again and to be able to lie with their arms around each other and their lips gently pressed together and Sirius’s hands running through his hair and FUCK. FUCK. FUCK IT ALL. FUCK EVERYTHING.

-

“Remus, please can we talk?” James had caught up with Remus as he was leaving the common room early on Saturday morning. He had planned to grab some toast from the breakfast table and walk around outside with it. Try and clear his head a bit. James apparently did not want Remus to clear his head.

“Not really, Prongs” Remus said quietly, continuing to walk down the corridor. James trotted after him.

“Why not?”

“Because I DON’T want to talk about it.”

“You don’t even know what I want to talk about!”

Remus stopped to give James a condescending look, one eyebrow raised.

“I wasn’t going to ask you to forgive him” James insisted.

“I know” Remus said simply, continuing to walk again.

“You do?”

“Yes, you’re not as much of a lost cause as he is. You actually listen when someone says no for the thousandth time. Well, except when it’s Lily.”

James stopped walking. Remus realised what he’d said about a second after he’d said it and stopped in his tracks, wheeling round to face James again.

“Prongs… I’m sorry…”

James had a hardened look on his face.

“No, whatever, it’s fine” he said quietly, trying to sound casual.

“It’s not” Remus frowned, walking back to put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright” James said, shrugging and continuing to walk again. Remus joined him, the two of them now walking side by side in silence. Remus was the first to break it – the anger bursting out of him.

“You see? You see what he’s fucking done? ALL of us, miserable and fucking snapping at each other. It’s…” Remus shook his head angrily. “It’s fucked. It’s all fucked.”

“Yeah it is” James agreed. There was another long pause, then he tentatively spoke again.

“But tradition means doing it anyway, even when everything is fucked.”

“Fuck tradition.”

Remus knew that’s where this was going. He hadn’t forgotten. He knew it was Sirius’s birthday tomorrow. And he knew James wanted him to put their argument on hold for one day so they could do the stupid fucking toast and pretend that everything was all fine and celebrate his fucking birthday like nothing had happened. But Remus couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t.

“ _Remus_ …”

“No, James.”

James sighed heavily, but he let it drop. He continued to follow Remus though, all the way to the great hall, and then out into the grounds. James hadn’t brought his cloak, so he was shivering within minutes. Remus shot him an annoyed look, but nevertheless held out his own cloak for James to huddle under with him. James accepted it gratefully, and the two of them walked together around the lake, eating toast.

“You’re not a monster, Remus” James piped up, out of the blue. Remus, who had been looking out over the lake, lost in thought, turned around to face him in confusion.

“You what?”

“Sirius told me you said that. You’re not. None of us think that you know.”

Remus scowled, looking back out over the lake.

“Snape does.”

“Snape also thinks muggle borns should be wiped out, so don’t take his word as gospel on anything.”

“He’s not the only one though, is he?” Remus sighed. He appreciated that James was trying to be nice, but it wasn’t making him feel better. It was making him feel worse. “If he writes to the board of directors then I’m out, aren’t I? Because _they’re_ all going to think I’m a monster and they’re not going to want me near innocent kids. And that in a nutshell is why we’re here right now, isn’t it? That’s why you can’t talk to Lily. Because I’m a fucking werewolf.”

James grabbed hold of Remus’s shoulders and turned him round to face him, looking him dead in the eye.

“That’s not why we’re here, Remus” James said firmly. “And that’s not why I made the deal with Snape. I did that because you’re one of my best mates and I’m not going to let anyone treat you like anything less than the amazing person you are.”

Remus didn’t know what to say to that. It was possibly the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. And he could tell by the fierce look in his eye that James really meant it. Remus crashed into James, wrapping him into a tight hug. James let out a small noise of surprise, but hugged Remus back just as tight, patting him on the back. They broke apart slightly awkwardly after a couple of minutes.

“Thanks” Remus muttered.

“Look, I know you don’t want to hear it, but that’s how Sirius feels too, you know? And that’s why he did what he did. Because he couldn’t stand hearing Snape say those things about you.”

“What things?” Remus asked, narrowing his eyes. Remus knew that Snape had known about his condition for quite some time. And Remus knew that Sirius and Snape had clashed over it more than once. But Remus had thought it was just because Snape was threatening to tell people. Not because he had been saying awful things about it.

“Hateful, bigoted, _evil_ things” James said darkly. “I’m not going to repeat them.”

“Yes you are” Remus demanded, and James looked a little taken aback by his tone. “What did he say?”

“Didn’t Sirius tell you?”

“No, he didn’t. What did Snape say?”

James looked like he was having an internal struggle, He clearly didn’t want to say it, but Remus stared at him furiously until he did.

“Oh god, Remus, it was horrible. In Potions, we were doing Amortentia, and Snape, he… he started going on about ‘can werewolves even feel love’ and ‘is it even legal for a werewolf to date a human’ and stuff like that” James’s face was burning red. Remus felt like he’d been punched in the gut.

“And it made him really angry” James went on. “Because that time Snape and Sirius got into the fight, you know when Regulus was there?” Remus nodded. “Well, Sirius told me that Snape had a go at him back then too about it, saying that… that even you wouldn’t go out with him. Like, Sirius wasn’t even good enough to date a werewolf. And he wasn’t mad about Snape insulting HIM like that, he was angry about how insulting that was to YOU…”

Remus felt his own cheeks burning now. He wanted to go and find Snape himself and curse him into oblivion.

“And I KNOW that doesn’t make it alright, what he did. But, damn it Remus, he cares about you SO MUCH, you know?”

“Yeah…” Remus’s head was spinning with this new information. James was right. It didn’t excuse it. It didn’t make everything alright. But it melted away a good chunk of the anger. And Remus really wanted to see Sirius now.

“I thought you knew” James said, apologetically.

“No, I didn’t” Remus said quietly.

“I would have told you sooner” James said earnestly. Remus smiled at him.

“It’s alright” he said. “I think I need to talk to Sirius though.”

James smiled, looking hopeful.

“This doesn’t mean we’re getting back together” Remus told him firmly.

“So you were… together… then?” James asked.

“Oh, fuck, I dunno…” Remus replied moodily, staring to walk back towards the castle. “It’s complicated, isn’t it?”

“No” James replied, sounding mostly annoyed but also ever so slightly amused. “It’s not complicated at all. He loves you. That’s about as simple as it gets.”

“Hmm” Remus replied, non-committally. But he was starting to feel the weight on his shoulders lift, for the first time all week.

-

They had only just made it back to the castle when James was hit in the head with a paper airplane, which had Peter’s messy handwriting on the wings. James gave Remus a puzzled look as he unfolded it, but his expression turned into horror as he read. Without saying a word he grabbed Remus’s wrist and took off running down the corridor. Remus cried out in surprise, just about managing to keep his balance and allowing James to drag him along.

“James – What? What’s happened?” Remus spluttered. James thrust the creased piece of parchment at him, not even slowing down. Remus read the note with difficulty, as James still had a tight grip on his wrist and was pulling him along at top speed.

_James,_

_Sirius got a cursed letter in the mail. Regulus too but not as bad. I think it’s because their parents found out about him and Remus. We’re in the hospital wing. Come now._

_Peter_

Remus felt like his heart had stopped. He doubled his speed, now dragging James along behind him, who was making noises of protest and kept threatening to trip up, but Remus kept pulling him along. He knew the way to hospital wing so well it was like second nature to him, so he just let his feet carry him there. All the while his mind was racing. How had they found out? It had to have been Snape, right? WHAT exactly had they found out? That Sirius was seeing a _boy_? Or that Sirius was seeing a _werewolf_? What had they done?

-

Remus had given Poppy the fright of her life when he had burst in, flinging the door open and running at breakneck speed over to her, wheezing and gasping for breath, demanding to know where Sirius was. He had apologised for being so dramatic, once he had caught his breath and discovered that Sirius was unconscious but fine. He supposed even Sirius’s parents would have known better that to try and actually kill him while he was at school. But still, whatever they had sent him sounded pretty nasty. Apparently he’d been bleeding through the nose so profusely that Poppy was now having to give him blood replenishing potion. Remus shuddered a little just looking at the bottle. It was awful stuff. Left this horrible metallic taste in your mouth all day.

As Sirius was unconscious, Remus, James and Peter tried their luck talking to Regulus, who was in the adjacent bed and seemed to be fine. Apparently he had received the same curse, but in a much smaller concentration. Poppy was having him eat a large slab of chocolate before she would let him leave. He didn’t seem happy about this, and seemed even more put out when James and Remus started asking him questions.

Remus didn’t like the kid very much. He was three years younger than Sirius and the two were nothing alike. Regulus was haughty and cold, and far too serious. Remus didn’t think he had ever seen the boy crack a smile. He also seemed to have that pureblood superiority complex that a lot of the Slytherins did, and he was definitely talking down to the three of them right now.

“Look, as I’ve _already_ said” he drawled, in a bored tone. “There will be no tracing it back to them, so it’s pointless to even try. Mother is not a fool, she’d hardly send a curse using the family owl.”

“So how do you know it was her then?” James asked. Regulus gave him a very condescending look.

“Who else could it have been?” he said, as if this were a very stupid question.

“Well _I_ don’t know” James said defensively.

“Anyway, I don’t see how this concerns YOU, Potter” Regulus went on, calmly eating his chocolate as though this were a perfectly normal conversation. “I’d stay out of Black family matters if I were you. Of course, it’s probably too late for you” he added to Remus.

“Peter - you said it was because of me” Remus said, addressing both Regulus and Peter, who looked as though he wanted to be anywhere but here right now. Remus knew that Peter wouldn’t want to get involved in ‘Black family matters’. But he was, whether he liked it or not. “Why?” Remus asked, frowning.

“Because this fell out of the letter” Peter said, holding up a picture of Remus. Remus took it, surprised. It had been taken in the summer between fourth and fifth year, when they had found a magical camera at James’s place. He was lounging in the Potter’s back garden, wearing slightly-too-big sunglasses and laughing at something.

“Where did they get this?” Remus asked Regulus.

“I believe mother tore it from my brother’s hands the last time he was in our house” Regulus shrugged casually.

Remus looked sharply to James for confirmation, who was scowling darkly at the picture.

“Did you know about this?” Remus demanded from him.

“No” James said seriously, looking at Remus meaningfully. They both understood what this meant. How Sirius’s mother had found out he was gay. Why she had beat him so terribly. Why he had had to leave. It was all because of Remus.

“Are we through with the interrogation now? Because I have things to do, you know” Regulus chimed in.

“Yeah…” Remus said, in a daze, sinking down into a seat next to Sirius’s bed. His head was spinning again. There had been far too much information to take in today. Why hadn’t Sirius ever TOLD him any of these things?

“One thing I don’t get” Remus heard James say. “No, two actually. If she’s known for this long, why send the curse now?”

Remus looked over. He was interested to know this himself actually.

Regulus had a bit of a think about that one, then shrugged again.

“Probably because it’s his birthday tomorrow” he replied calmly. “This is her last chance to exert any sort of punishment over him. Tomorrow he becomes an adult. I imagine that makes her angry.”

It made Remus’s skin crawl, how matter-of-fact Regulus was being about the whole thing. As though it was _normal_. Well, to him it probably was, Remus mused.

“OK” James replied. “Last question then. Why send you a curse too?”

Regulus was looking condescendingly at him again. He even shot Remus and Peter a ‘can you believe this guy?’ sort of look.

“It’s a warning” Regulus said, as though this should be obvious. “Not to follow in dear brother’s footsteps. As if I would” he made a disgusted face. “No offence” he added lazily to Remus.

“Offence taken” James replied on Remus’s behalf, looking disapprovingly as Regulus. But Remus wasn’t particularly bothered by the slight. He did have one more question of his own, but he wasn’t sure how to phrase it. If Regulus DIDN’T know then Remus certainly didn’t want to tell him.

“Regulus” Remus started, tentatively. Regulus fixed him with a bored stare. “Why do your parents have a problem with Sirius and me? I mean, with ME, specifically?”

Regulus was looking very confused now. He looked between James, Peter and Remus, as if waiting for one of them to elaborate. When none of them did, he answered in his most insultingly patronising voice yet.

“Because you’re both _queers_ ” Regulus said, saying the word as if it disgusted him. James scowled at him again but Remus still didn’t care. He felt a huge wave of relief sweep over him. Still, he wanted to be sure.

“That’s all?” he asked. “No other reason?”

He and Regulus exchanged a meaningful look, and Regulus for the first time looked as though he was considering Remus as someone potentially worthy of intellectual conversation. However he spoke in the same bored and aloof tone.

“I have heard rumours… but I don’t care for gossip, personally. Being queer is quite enough to earn you a place on the Black’s list of enemies. I don’t think there need be any more reason than that.”

“Thanks Regulus” Remus muttered. Regulus gave him a curt nod, before calling Poppy over and asking to leave.

-

Sirius had woken up about an hour later. Poppy had kicked the three of them out while she checked him over but had let them back in to see him afterwards. James briefly recounted their conversation with Regulus and Sirius confirmed everything Regulus had told them.

“Of course it was _mother_ , who else?” Sirius scowled. “I should be grateful I suppose, that’s the last birthday present I’ll ever get from her” he laughed a little and Remus couldn’t get over how strikingly different he and Regulus were. “Bit of a dick move though, sending Reg one too” he added, scowling again.

“He said it was a warning” Peter offered.

“Yeah” Sirius sighed. “Don’t turn out like big brother, or this is what you’ll get” he shook his head. “I’m surprised you managed to get all that out of Reg, he must have been in a good mood. I suppose seeing me in the hospital made his day…”

“Oh don’t worry, he was talking to us like we were complete idiots the whole time” James said. Sirius laughed again.

“Yeah, I don’t doubt” he said. “He didn’t call you a blood traitor did he?”

“No” James smiled.

“Oh well, he must REALLY like you then” Sirius grinned.

“He did call you and me _queers_ though” Remus told him, using the same disgusted tone for the word that Regulus had.

Sirius looked very taken aback to be addressed by Remus directly. He swallowed nervously, looking hopefully at Remus.

“Oh… um, yeah. Sorry about that…”

There was an awkward pause, in which Sirius and Remus stared at each other.

“WELL” James interjected loudly. “I think you two have some catching up to do. Me and Pete will be in the common room.” He took Peter into a headlock and bundled him out of the hospital wing, Peter squawking in protest. Once they were out of the room and it was awkward again, Remus looked back at Sirius, not really knowing what to say.

“Thanks… for coming…” Sirius said quietly.

Remus nodded. He sat down tentatively on the edge of Sirius’s bed, by his knees. Sirius was looking down at his hands, so Remus took one of them in between his own. Sirius looked up into Remus’s face, his eyes a little watery.

“I’m _so sorry_ Moony” he whispered. Remus found that he didn’t need to hear it. Not after everything else he had heard today. He kissed Sirius’s knuckles softly.

“It’s alright” he said quietly. “James told me what Snape said.”

“Which bit?” Sirius asked, warily.

“All of it, I think” Remus told him. “About werewolves not being capable of love, and about you not being good enough for me and all that shit.”

“He shouldn’t have told you that” Sirius muttered, scowling.

“I’m glad he did” Remus said earnestly. “Because I _get_ it now. Why you wanted to hurt him so much.”

“I didn’t want him to get hurt” Sirius insisted. “I just wanted to scare him. To make him stop talking about it like-“

“I _know”_ Remus interrupted him, kissing his hand again. “I know.”

After a pause, Remus went on.

“And Peter said that this fell out of the letter” he took the picture out of his pocket and handed it to Sirius, who smiled warmly at it. “Regulus said your mum ‘tore it from your hands’? Last time you were at their house?”

Sirius’s smile dropped and he looked grimly at Remus.

“I didn’t want you to know about that either” Sirius said quietly. Remus sighed.

“I understand why. But I don’t want you to keep secrets from me.” They exchanged a serious look.

“OK” Sirius agreed. “I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

Sirius looked more serious about that than Remus thought he had ever seen before. Remus smiled warmly at him.

“In the interest of full disclosure then” Sirius added, a little nervously. “I think you ought to know… I love you…”

Remus didn’t care at that moment if anyone was watching. He pulled Sirius towards him by the front of his t-shirt and kissed him fiercely on the lips. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus, holding him tight and kissing him back. It was FANTASTIC. Remus felt like fireworks were going off inside his head. He hadn’t realised quite how desperately he had _missed_ Sirius until right now. This kiss was EVERYTHING. It was passion and fire, but somehow at the same time it was tender and loving. They were both panting when they broke apart, but Sirius held Remus tightly in his arms. Remus placed a gentle hand on Sirius’s cheek.

“I kind of worked that one out” Remus grinned. “I love you too. You wanker.”

“Charming” Sirius laughed. “You declare your undying love for someone and they call you a wanker!” He tickled Remus playfully on the ribs, and Remus squirmed and batted his hands away.

“See THIS, right here, is why you’re a wanker” he laughed, seizing Sirius’s wrists to make him stop. Sirius leaned forward and kissed him, manoeuvring his hands into Remus’s and interlacing their fingers.

“Hey, I’m YOUR wanker” he whispered, winking. Remus laughed and kissed him again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that James's promise to Snape is what ultimately makes Lily soften to him - she starts to miss his advances when he suddenly stops.
> 
> I might write a Jily fic as a sort of sequel to this one at some point.
> 
> Also, in my mind, Remus and Sirius having each other and James having Lily makes Peter feel left out, and this is mostly what pushes him towards joining Voldemort.


End file.
